


Scars and Sweets

by Alexis_Tenshi



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst with a Happy Ending, Baking, Barry with Savitar looking scars, Café, Canon-Typical Violence, Comic Book Science, Families of Choice, Group Therapy, Hurt/Comfort, Lewis Snart's A+ Parenting, M/M, Protective Leonard Snart, Savitar!Barry, Scars, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Support Group, Survivor Guilt, Trauma, Trauma Recovery, just his scars, not his personality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-01 02:01:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 36,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10912041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexis_Tenshi/pseuds/Alexis_Tenshi
Summary: Barry didn’t believe the ‘survivors with scars’ support group would help, not really. But he went because his mom wanted him to. If his going made her worry about him less, even a little, then it was worth it. If he made a friend or two that could understand some of what he was going through, that was just an unexpected bonus. In the end, he got much more than he had dared hope for.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Scars and Sweets](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10920252) by [kotokoshka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kotokoshka/pseuds/kotokoshka), [MaryNevskaya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaryNevskaya/pseuds/MaryNevskaya)



> -I’ve tagged this Savitar!Barry, as it’s inspired by Barry’s scars as Savitar. But this is NOT a story about Barry as Savitar. He’s not evil here at all. 
> 
> -This is a powerless AU, in case the mention of Savitar confused that too. 
> 
> - **Content warnings (includes slight spoilers):** There is a very brief mention of the past planning of a rape of a child, but it never came close to actually happening. There is mention of past deaths and killing, briefly and not in much detail. An oc mobster gets some fingers cut off, not described overly graphically imo, but it does happen during the narrative present in some detail.
> 
> -If the science in this resembles possible reality, it’s thanks to niennavalier. Her help and enthusiasm was priceless. I take the blame for it if it makes no sense, as I waved the comic book science wand over it.
> 
>  

Barry raised his face to the sign on the door, just enough to read the words printed on the plain piece of paper, _Survivors with Scars group meeting. Wednesdays, 7-8:30pm_. He was in the right place, though late by just over twenty minutes. He lowered his face and hesitated; wishing he could use his tardiness as an excuse for not going in at all. But if he did, his mom would be disappointed.

Nora Allen didn’t need any more sadness or worry, especially because her only child was a coward; too afraid to even show his face to a group assembled especially for people like him. He had to do it. He was decided. He was going to do it. He couldn’t disappoint her again.

But despite his resolve, it still took several slow minutes until he’d gathered the courage to open the door and walk in. His hands shook as he did so. He shoved them into his pockets in frustration as he walked inside the room. He kept his eyes resolutely looking downward, his face turned toward the floor as much as it could be without walking into anything, while he moved into the room.

He wore a baseball cap with a long brim, positioned so the shadow of it fell on his face. He also wore a hoodie with the hood up, over the hat. His favorite hoodie used to be red. He never wore it anymore. It brought out exactly what he was trying to hide; highlighting the parts of his face he wished no one ever had to see. The hoodie he wore now was a dark navy blue.

Most of the clothes he wore were dark blue or black now, despite how much he used to like bright cheery colors. He didn’t want the attention anymore. He never felt cheery anymore.

Subdued colors suited him better now, he thought, even if it meant he got mistaken for trying for a goth or emo style. He’d never cared about fashion. Now he just wanted to wear whatever would get him noticed the least.

If it’d been up to him, he would have let his hair grow long and unkempt too. There was no way he was going to a place to get his hair cut now. No way he was letting a stranger’s hands come that close to his face. No way he was going to stare at himself in a mirror while they did it. But his mother insisted he keep his hair neat and cut it herself. He felt guilty about that. But it was better than the alternative.

Even without long hair, Barry had found the hat and hoodie combo sort of worked. If he kept both on, kept his head down, covering and shadowing his face as much as possible, people that just glanced at him wouldn’t notice. Anyone that looked at him longer than a split second could still see it, of course. There was no covering it up entirely. But every time someone looked passed him and didn’t stop and stare, Barry was thankful.

So Barry kept his head down as he made his way into the room. He could see there was a circle of chairs, most occupied, in the middle of the room. But he didn’t look up to see further details.

Someone was talking. Someone that used a slightly snarled accent in their words, common to the rougher sections of their city. Barry noted absently he liked the sound of the voice, but pushed the thought aside to focus on the words.

“So I finally did it. I finally let him see me with my shirt off, after dating for over six months and having had sex with it on a dozen times. It didn’t…he didn’t…”

The man talking paused and Barry saw him shift in his seat. But Barry didn’t dare look up to see any details. For once not just because he didn’t want his face to be seen, but because he didn’t want to interrupt.

“It could have gone worse.” The man admitted, continuing, “I keep reminding myself of that. He didn’t act disgusted or anything. But he…he acted like they weren’t even there. Like he couldn’t see them. Like my scars didn’t exist. I know he saw them. I know how I look. I know there’s no missing them, once my shirt is off, even in dim lighting. I know he was ignoring them on purpose.

“But that…that’s not what I _want_!  My scars aren’t…they don’t _define_ me. But they are a _part_ of me. They’re a part of who I am, and why I am who I am. Pretending they don’t exist is pointless and an obvious lie. I hate being lied to. I hate being pitied or handled with kid gloves.”

The man stopped talking and the room was silent for a few moments, as if everyone was waiting to see if he’d continue.

“Have you talked to your boyfriend about these feelings?” someone eventually prompted. They sounded confident, but gentle, in their question. So Barry guessed that was the group facilitator, a licensed psychologist.

“No.” the original man answered, his voice sounding colder than before. “There was no point. I found out the next day he’d been cheating on me for over a month. He tried to apologize, but I punched him and broke his nose. After that, he admitted fast enough that I was more work than I was worth…that I had too many _issues_ for him to deal with. My scars just being one of them. We won’t see each other again.”

Barry winced in sympathy, as did several other members of the group.

“I’m sorry to hear that, Leonard.” The facilitator responded. “But I remind you that you _are_ worth it, if that was ever a doubt in your mind. You demonstrated a good sense of that self worth by not accepting his apology. Of course I can’t officially condone violence. But I am glad you stood up for yourself.

“Is there anything else you’d like to share today, Leonard?”

The man must have shaken his head, even though Barry didn’t catch the movement, because the facilitator thanked him again and asked who was next.

Barry guessed this was as good an opening as he was going to get to join the group. He moved closer, still keeping his head down, and hesitantly took an empty chair.

“I see we have a new group member.” The facilitator greeted him. “I’m Doctor Conrad. Would you please introduce yourself to the group?”

“I’m Barry. I…I’m sorry for being late.”

Last names weren’t necessary or asked for at these meetings. Barry was grateful for that.

The group of people in the circle of chairs around him returned a chorus of ‘ _Hello Barry_ ’s. None of them sounded angry.

“It’s alright. If you can be on time in the future, we’d all appreciate it. But even if you can’t, you’re welcome here. Just come whenever you want to.”

Barry nodded gratefully, keeping his head down. She didn’t ask him to look up.

She didn’t ask him to remove his hat and hoodie. Barry was thankful for that too. But he still felt that politeness dictated he take them off anyway. They might stare, but he wouldn’t be judged here, he told himself.

They wouldn’t ask him how it happened. They wouldn’t ask him if anything could be done to make it look better. They wouldn’t ask him how well he could see now. They wouldn’t press him for details. It was up to him, totally, how much he shared here. That was what he’d been promised when his doctor urged him to go to this meeting.

Still, Barry found himself frozen in the chair, unable to raise his arms to take off the headgear. He took a moment. No one rushed him. Then he remembered the man who’d spoken before. Leonard, Barry remembered his name. He could share something that intimate with them and here Barry was afraid to even show his face.

That realization was enough to give Barry the courage to do it. His hands shook, but he managed to pull down his hood and take off his hat. He returned his hands to his lap and knew he was crushing his hat in them; his fingers digging into the stiff fabric. But he couldn’t manage to loosen them.

Barry finally raised his head and looked at the group around him. Some had visible scars on their faces, Barry wasn’t the only one. But his was the worst. Theirs were lines, slashes, here and there, across foreheads or cheeks. One whole half of Barry’s face was pockmarked, his flesh an angry mess of red, pink, and white. His eye on that side was clearly damaged too, far too white and cloudy.

Barry knew everyone there was looking at him, taking in his scarred face. Several people flinched in surprise, but they did a fairly good job recovering quickly. No one looked away in disgust. No one gasped or made those clicking noises of sympathy that Barry had grown to hate.

Barry noticed them all, but his focus was on the man sitting directly across the circle from him, the man that had spoken before. He had no scars on his face, though that didn’t surprise Barry. He had said his scars were hidden by his shirt. Barry tried not to be jealous of that ability to hide them.

The man was gorgeous, Barry realized with a tightening of his stomach. Beautiful face, close cropped silver hair, just the right bit of stubble on a strong chin, bright blue eyes. Those eyes were looking straight back at Barry. For a moment, at first, they were cold and closed off. But then he took in Barry’s face and that changed.

Leonard didn’t look at Barry with disgust, or pity, or even sympathy. But in those ice blue eyes shone acceptance. Simple acceptance of Barry’s face, exactly the way it was.

No one; not his mother, not his friends, not his doctor; had simply accepted Barry the way he was since it’d happened. This man did. He asked no questions, had no expectations of him. He simply accepted him there, with them, as he was.

Barry clenched his hat in his hands harder and forced himself not to start crying in relief.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a banner for the fic and am pretty happy with how it turned out, so posting it here.
> 
>  

Barry had been going to the support group meetings for nearly two months and besides introducing himself he had barely spoken. But that was ok, the facilitator said. She didn’t ask anyone to share unless they wanted to. Barry wasn’t the only one of the group that stayed silent for the most part. But he listened and he took comfort from being around people that felt and experienced many of the same things he did.

Sometimes it was small comfort. Sometimes it made no difference how much the group might be similar to him. Not when teenagers pointed and snickered at him, whispering about him behind his back. Not when old ladies gasped and asked him how it’d happened, no matter they’d never met him before and it was none of their business. Not when a toddler screamed and started bawling at the sight of him, and the mother actually scowled at Barry like he had done something horrible just because he looked the way he did. Not when faced with the nightmare staring back at him from the mirror every morning.

But sometimes, sometimes it made just enough difference to be able to get through the day.

Sometimes, when he was afraid to leave the house and be stared at, he’d remember Amanda. That week she’d told them how she’d worn a bathing suit in public for the first time in years and rediscovered her love of swimming.

Sometimes, when he got another rejection letter from the tenth job he’d applied to that week, he thought of Mick. Last week he’d told them how just walking out of the back where he worked, with his sleeves rolled up showing off his scars, had gotten the customers that were threatening not to pay to rush to pull out their credit cards.

Sometimes, when his head throbbed from eye strain, still getting used to the limited vision on one side, he’d remember Stella. That week she’d told them she’d visited her grandchildren and not gotten too tired to play with them all day, thanks to a new physical therapy technique she’d tried.

Sometimes when his mother was crying, but trying to hide it, and he missed his father so deeply it felt like a physical pain far worse than his mangled face had ever been, he thought of Leonard. Every week Leonard said something that stuck with Barry. Whether it was the courage he showed talking about his own scars, or the insight he showed responding to someone else’s sharing.

So, while none of the group members had become his friends; he’d have had to actually talk to them for that to happen, just having gotten to listen to them helped Barry. And someday, he hoped, he _would_ be able to talk to them. He was working toward that, slowly. Doctor Conrad said there was no hurry. It would happen when it was time. Barry tried to believe that and not beat himself up every time he wanted to speak, but couldn’t manage to open his mouth.

\-----------------------------------------------------

“Are you Two-Face?”

Barry tried to swallow, but his tongue felt heavy and immobile in his mouth. The small child looking up at him had no fear in his expression, no obvious malice in the question…and also no parent in sight.

Barry liked kids, but he had no experience with them. He had no idea what to say. He had no idea what to do with all the hurt building inside him at the question, no matter how seemingly innocent. Two-Face was a monster. Barry looked like a monster. In that instant, he felt like a monster too.

Barry jumped, as out of nowhere an arm was slung around his shoulders and a slim body leaned against him in an apparent show of close companionship.

“Shhhh, kid! You’ll blow our cover! We can’t have Batman finding us here!” Leonard’s unmistakable voice rang out very close to Barry’s scarred ear. He was briefly glad his hearing had never been damaged, so he could appreciate the sound.

Then Barry turned his head slightly to blink in complete confusion at the man now half hanging off him and smirking down at the kid.

“Oooohhh, are _you_ a super villain too!?” the boy asked, all wide eyes and earnest curiosity.

“Of course! Don’t you recognize me?! I’m the one with the cold gun!”

“Mr. Freeze!!” the kid yelled excitedly. “Why are you here? Are you gonna make all the coffee ice, so Batman can’t have any, and can’t wake up, and can’t catch you?! My mom says she can’t wake up without coffee, so I bet Batman can’t either! I’m right, right?! You’re so smart and cool!”

“That’s right kid, exactly that.” Leonard’s smirk widened in an evil approximation, but Barry saw the kind indulgence behind it. “You’re pretty smart too. Wanna help us beat Batman?”

The boy was about to answer, when his mother finally appeared, coffee in hand and rapid apologies on her lips. Barry wanted to tell her it was alright, but he wasn’t sure that was true. If Leonard hadn’t appeared, Barry wasn’t sure what he would have done. Even now, with all Leonard had done to make light of what had been said, it still hurt. But this was just a kid, and of course he hadn’t meant any harm.

“We get it.” Leonard was saying, in an understanding but firm tone. “But you might want to remind your kid about talking to strangers. If we’d been _real_ villains…”

Her eyes widened and Barry could tell she was offended. No one liked strangers telling them how to handle their own child. But there was no denying the truth in what Leonard had said either. She huffed, but didn’t say anything back. She did grab her kid’s hand and hurry him away before he’d had a chance to say anything else either.

Once they were gone, Leonard moved away from him. Only once Barry felt the loss did he realize the other man had been practically plastered to his side the entire time. Barry missed the contact instantly. Leonard, for his part, looked a bit embarrassed now that it was over. Barry couldn’t let that stand. It gave him the strength to speak.

“Thank you, Leonard. I…I’ve never been around kids much.”

“No big.” He shrugged. “Try not to take it personally. Kids that age have no filter on their mouths.”

“I know, but it still…I know.” Barry swallowed, suddenly choked up.

“You look nothing like Two-Face, for the record.” Leonard’s smirk turned playful, “He’s got crazy evil eyes. Your eyes look like a puppy’s. A kicked one, sometimes, but still a puppy. You haven’t got an evil bone in you.”

Barry laughed, despite himself.

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that. I…I have some pretty dark thoughts sometimes.” Barry didn’t know what had possessed him to say that.

“We all do.” Leonard responded, more serious, surprising Barry that he didn’t disagree and insist on Barry’s apparent innocence. “The difference is whether we act on them or not. And if we do, where we go from there.”

Barry nodded, as if that made a lot of sense. In a way, it did. He knew something of Leonard’s past, from what he’d revealed in group. He knew what a complete bastard Leonard’s dad had been. He knew where Leonard got most of his scars. He knew Leonard practically raised his little sister and agonized over every scar she’d gotten that he couldn’t prevent.

He suddenly felt horribly guilty that he’d shared next to nothing with Leonard in return during their sessions. But yet here Leonard was, helping Barry out. He’d had no obligation to even acknowledge they knew each other out of group. Understandably, not everyone that attended therapy was comfortable bringing what happened there outside that safe space.

“I…really want to thank you, Leonard. You doing that, for that kid, for me, I really appreciate it. Really.”

Barry knew he was babbling now and clamped his mouth shut.

“It’s not a problem, Barry. And feel free to call me Len.”

“Len…you, would you like to get coffee with…with me?”

They were standing outside a coffee shop. It wasn’t an outrageous suggestion. It didn’t mean it was a date, or even an offer of friendship. It was just a thank you. But Barry felt crazy for asking it, anyway.

“I’m sorry, Barry, I can’t. I have to get to work.”

Len sounded like he meant it. Barry thought he heard real regret in his voice. But it still felt like cold water had been splashed on Barry’s face. His face that looked like some freak out of a comic book, no matter how much Len denied it. Barry found himself looking down and away, automatically, hiding himself from the rejection he should have expected.

“I mean it, Barry.”

Len’s hand moved faster than Barry’s eyes could follow and then it was against his chin, lifting his face up. Gently, not forcing, but asking for Barry to look at him again. Barry couldn’t resist that tug and found his eyes locked with Len’s. Those eyes shone sincerity.

“I mean it, Barry.” Len repeated. “I might not know you well. I would like to remedy that, even though I can’t right now. But what I do know…there is nothing about you that I don’t like.”

Then, wonder of wonders, Len ran his fingers along Barry’s face. Just a ghost of a touch, but right along the scarred half, tracing the spider web of lines and indents. It was done softy, almost reverently. No one had touched Barry’s face since he’d gotten his scars besides his doctor and his mother, and those touches had been nothing like this. He couldn’t help it, he gasped and his eyes filled with tears. A few fell before he could get himself under control. Len wiped them away, bringing his other hand up and touching both sides of Barry’s face at the same time.

“I really do have to go. Will you be alright?” Len asked. “I’d invite you to my work, but it’s a little bit crazy right now. You look like you could use some quiet and privacy.”

Barry nodded, again struck by how perceptive the other man was.

“I’ll see you at group tonight.” Len continued, reminding Barry what day it was. “If you want, we can talk and make plans after?”  

Barry nodded, unable to say anything, and swallowed down more tears. He couldn’t believe this was really happening. He hadn’t let himself hope he could ever have anything with Leonard, not a friendship and certainly not more, no matter how drawn he was to the man during group.

“I’m trying to take it slow. For _both_ our sakes.” Len admitted, his eyes darkening, “But damn, I want to kiss you right now.”

Barry’s mouth dropped open and he was pretty sure he resembled a fish right then. A horribly scarred fish with a gapping open mouth. But Len run his thumb over Barry’s lower lip like he was somehow still attractive.

“Just…I can see you doubting it, Barry. I can see you already starting to reason out how this won’t work, how I can’t possibly be genuinely interested in you. Just…give it a chance? Give me a chance?”

“Yeah, Len, yeah. I’ll give you all the chances you want.” Barry laughed a bit then, half broken and self depreciating. Len frowned a little.

Len’s hands were doing unexpected things again, Barry belatedly noticed. Len had amazing hands. Barry had known that since the first day he’d seen him at group. Long fingers and expressive gestures. Somehow Len had produced a felt tip pen and was writing a number on Barry’s arm in black ink.

“I don’t have my cell with me and it’s new, so I don’t remember the number.” Len explained, “But this is the number where I work. If you can’t make it to group tonight, for _any_ reason, you call there and ask for me. If you don’t show up, I _will_ worry. Promise me?”

Barry nodded, his tongue gone heavy and voice not obeying him again. Why was it somehow incredibly hot to have Len write on him?

Len locked eyes with Barry for a moment longer. Barry didn’t know what Len saw there, besides one eye that was forever cloudy and mismatched to the other. But whatever it was, it seemed to satisfy him, because he nodded and left.

Barry doubted he was going to get much accomplished that day before group.


	3. Chapter 3

“It was during the particle accelerator explosion. It was…it wasn’t the explosion itself. I mean, it was, but…” Barry growled in frustration, annoyed with himself.

“Take your time.” Doctor Conrad’s calm voice instructed. “No one is rushing you. Just take it one sentence at a time.”

Barry looked up and met Len’s cool eyes watching him carefully. That did wonders to harden Barry’s resolve. He wanted to do this. He wanted to share. He wanted to give back some part of what these people had given him. But he especially wanted Len to know. He deserved to, before they made whatever plans they might after the session…or not, if Len didn’t want to after what Barry had to say.

“I worked for Star Labs. I should admit that first.” Barry started again. “I understand if that makes anyone hate me. But we…we were trying to do something good. I know it turned out horrible and I take responsibility for my part in that. But our intentions were good. We really did think it was safe. But…obviously, obviously it wasn’t.”

Barry knew several people had tensed when he’d admitted where he used to work. He’d expected it. But thankfully Len wasn’t one of them. And even the ones that had were still hearing him out. He wondered if they’d have been so forgiving if he wasn’t going to wear the evidence of what’d happened on his face forever.

“I was working there that night, when it happened. But it wasn’t the explosion itself that…scarred me. It was…the power of the blast shook containers of chemicals on their shelves, one opened and spilled…onto my face. It was acid that…well, my face is never going to look any better than it does now.

“I…people died that night. Lots of people. Good people. I know that, I….I lost my dad that night. He’d come to the lab because I was working there. He was proud of me. He…if he’d stayed home with my mom….she had a cold so didn’t go. If he’d stayed home with her, maybe he would have lived.

“But he didn’t. He died. He died because of me. A lot of people died because of me.

“My mom, my doctor, they…they keep telling me the part I played in the explosion was small. It’s true I wasn’t a part of the main accelerator development team. But I was still there. I still worked there. I still had a hand in it. A hand in my own father’s death. A hand in the deaths of dozens of other people.

“So I…how can I be upset about _scars_ on my face, when people _died_?! What kind of a monster am I, that I keep wishing I could have my face back, when people lost their _lives_?!”

That was it. There was more he wanted to say, but that was all he could manage. He felt tears running down his mismatched cheeks, but he didn’t bother to try and stop crying. He waited for them to confirm what he knew. He was a worse monster even than he looked. He shouldn’t care about his face, not when people had lost their lives. But yet he did.

“I’m sorry, Barry, grief doesn’t work like that.” Doctor Conrad spoke softly, but her voice easily carried through the room. “Humans aren’t made like that. We don’t get to choose how we grieve that way. It’s not a scale that we can weigh and only feel bad about the ones at the top. We don’t get to decide to only be upset about the _most_ horrible things.

 “Being upset about your face doesn’t mean you aren’t devastated about your father, and everyone who died. It doesn’t mean you care any less about them than yourself.

“Something terrible happened to you. It’s something you’re going to have to live with the rest of your life. It’s alright to be upset about that. It’s alright to wish it hadn’t happened or that you could change it. That doesn’t make you a monster. It makes you human.”

She continued on awhile, listing some survivors’ guilt resources she recommended. Barry wasn’t convinced that was what this was. But he would try to listen. Eventually his tears slowed and he took a few deep breathes.

Before long, the doctor thanked Barry for sharing and told the group to take a five minute break.

No one yelled at him. None of the group accused Barry of anything, even though he was sure most of them knew someone that had been hurt or killed when the accelerator blew. Some did seem tenser around him. A few stared at him with heat in their eyes. But no one said a word against him. Again, he wondered if it would be different if the evidence of his own suffering wasn’t stamped so plainly on his face. But it was, and there was nothing he could do to change it.

Barry had been putting off looking in Leonard’s direction since he’d finished talking. But he couldn’t delay it any longer. When he finally locked eyes with the man, Len apparently took it as a cue to get out of his seat and cross the distance to Barry.

There was sympathy in Len’s eyes now. But that was to be expected. It wasn’t overwhelming or pitying, like some others were when they found out what had happened. There was no disgust. There was no anger. There was no disappointment. The acceptance Len had always offered him was still there.

“Barry,” Len said in that voice that never failed to touch something deep in Barry. “I would very much like to hug you now, if that would at all help.”

Without deciding to, Barry was launching himself up off his chair and into Len’s arms. To Len’s credit, he managed to not let Barry knock him over, though it was a close thing. Len’s arms around him felt even better than they had earlier that day, when he’d saved Barry from the awkward interaction with that kid. Barry never wanted to be let go.

Someone was laughing. Barry had enough dignity and pride left to feel slightly offended, even if he knew they were making something of a scene in the middle of the room. Therapy sessions ought to be a fine place to offer and receive hugs, Barry pouted to himself. He might possibly be coming down hard from all the emotional unloading, he realized belatedly.

“Shut up, Mick.” Len snapped.

“Didn’t say anything, boss.”

Barry recognized Mick’s voice, so he assumed the large hand he felt patting his back rather roughly was Mick’s too.

“Good job sharing, kid.” Mick added. “Was wondering if you’d ever spill the beans or not. But now I get why it took you so long.

“It’s not your fault. Even if you’re not ready to hear that, I’m saying it. If anyone gives you any trouble about having worked for Star Labs, just let me know and I’ll be happy to knock them into next week for you.”

Mick gave him another hard pat on the back, and then made his way toward the snack table.

Barry blinked at his retreating form. He was one of the last people there that Barry had expected to reach out to him. He was…not scary, exactly. But certainly intimidating. He had scars all up and down his arms, from fires he’d set himself. He was dealing with several mental health issues. He never seemed like someone that would intentionally hurt anyone there. But he didn’t offer to help anyone very often either.

“Mick isn’t the best at talking, either.” Len offered, still hugging Barry. “But he does listen. And he understands more than he usually lets on.”

“I didn’t realize the two of you knew each other outside of group.” Barry tried to push down the rush of jealousy that news sent him.

“Yeah. We’ve known each other since juv…since we were teenagers.” Len amended. “We convinced each other to come here, and to keep coming here.”

It wasn’t hard to guess what Len had been about to say. It wasn’t hard to guess, with what he knew about Len’s upbringing, that he had spent time in a juvenile detention center. Barry had no idea what either Len, or Mick, did these days for money. He wondered briefly if he should care, and found he didn’t, at all.

Barry tightened his hold on Len, and Len held him tighter in return. They only let go when the doctor called the group back into session.


	4. Chapter 4

The next few weeks, things managed to get both better and worse at the same time. Leonard wanted to go on a date with Barry, he adamantly confirmed that. But it was difficult to find time right now, Len said. Barry’s own schedule was wide open, so he was ready whenever Len was. But that wasn’t good enough. Len kept putting him off. They made plans a few times, but Len cancelled each.

If was hell for Barry’s self esteem, if he was being honest with himself. Barry had never been good at dating. He was a romantic at heart, but he’d never been particularly confident. He was a nerd, lacking in social skills. He rambled on about science and geek pop culture. He was far from stylish. His arms and legs were too long and thin. His stomach was not flat, but slightly pudgy. He was perpetually late, no matter how hard he tried to be on time. It was a combination that never seemed to fail to disappoint whoever he went out with.

And now…well, now he was still all that, plus half his face was a disaster zone.

He would have been certain Len had changed his mind and realized he wanted nothing to do with Barry, if Len hadn’t been so good at convincing him otherwise. They talked on the phone most nights. And every time Len sounded so sincere, so apologetic, so genuinely into Barry, that Barry caved each time.

He kept letting himself hope. He kept letting himself believe Len was telling him the truth; that eventually things would slow down and they would have a lot of time together. But Barry still didn’t even know what Len was doing that was keeping him so busy. Len expertly changed the subject each time Barry brought it up. They had yet to see each other outside of group for more than a few minutes.

It was a vicious cycle that Barry knew would break what was left of his self confidence if it continued. But he couldn’t bring himself to force it to end. Not yet. Not without real evidence that Len was just stringing him along and didn’t actually care about him.

\-----------------------------------

“He may just genuinely be busy.” Barry’s mother advised gently, after Barry had finally told her about Len. “I know it feels like a long time to us, but we’re unemployed. When you’re working full time, two and a half weeks can fly by before you realize it. What did you say he does?”

“I didn’t, because he didn’t! I still have no idea what his job even is!”

Barry cursed himself for losing the work number that Len had originally written on his arm. He hadn’t used it. He’d wanted to not wash his arm, but that was unavoidable. He’d written it down and had it in his jeans pocket, he was certain. But now it was gone.

He had Len’s cell phone number now, but that didn’t help clue him in on what his job might be. It was worse than he wanted to admit to his mother, actually. He didn’t even know Len’s last name, so he had no hope of looking him up online either.

It was sign after sign of Len being bad news, if Barry was being honest with himself. But Len himself…. Len himself seemed so perfect for Barry.

It wasn’t like Barry had many options, either for dating or even just for friends. If his face didn’t scare them off, his history of working at Star Labs did.

He still had a few friends, from high school and college mostly. But they all had busy lives too. He knew they cared, to some extent. But every time he went anywhere with them since the accident, he felt like a burden. People staring at him meant they were staring at them too. They tried to help, and sometimes they did, but more often it ended uncomfortably for everyone. Barry mostly stopped accepting their offers to hang out, and they mostly stopped asking.

Barry knew that was why his mother was being supportive. She worried about Barry having no one else, so she was willing to overlook the lack of information about Len. But even if Barry had been surrounded by good friends, he still felt like he would have been drawn to Leonard.

There was something about someone that had never known Barry _without_ his scars, and still wanted to be with him. If the interest was genuine, it meant he truly wasn’t turned off by them. He wasn’t doing it out of obligation, or pity, or habit. He didn’t see the scars as a huge stain on someone he once knew untainted. It meant he liked Barry as he was now, the whole thing, not just the leftovers from before the accident. He just saw the scars as part of Barry, part of who he was. And that was what Barry wanted in a friend or, hopefully, boyfriend.

Beyond that though, Leonard and Barry had a surprising amount in common. Len could talk geek with Barry and keep up seemingly effortlessly, whether the topic was tech news or the latest sci-fi movie. Barry was amazed Len had never gone to college; he was certainly more than smart enough for it. But Barry understood that path wasn’t for everyone and circumstances had been hard for Len.

Even what they didn’t have in common didn’t seem like a problem. Len was a devote hockey fan. Barry was barely aware that Central City _had_ a hockey team. He’d never been able to get into sports. But Len didn’t mock or mind his cluelessness. Barry even tried tuning into a game one night, while talking to Len, and found he didn’t feel too lost. He could follow the action and find it exciting even if he didn’t understand the majority of the rules. And Len’s enthusiasm was contagious.

If half the conversations they’d had had happened in person, Barry would be perfectly happy. But he couldn’t just let go of the suspicion that Len was purposely limiting them to the phone.

“I still blame a lot of this on unemployment. A job doesn’t just provide financial stability and feeling more independent, it gives something to occupy the mind. If we were both working, neither of us would spend as much time worrying and over thinking things.” Barry’s mom insisted.

He didn’t disagree with her. But jobs were so hard to come by. She’d only worked part time since Barry had been born, his father’s doctor salary easily supporting the entire family. She lost her last job when Barry had gotten hurt and she’d wanted to be with him while he recovered.

Barry’s own job history was sparse. Part time work at a bunch of places during school, then Star Labs right after he graduated college. Between the time his recovery took, plus the black mark all Star Lab employees now had with practically everyone, his lack of other experience, and his scars themselves….it all scared off potential employers.

They had enough savings to get by for awhile, but eventually that would run out. They had both been job hunting with no success for several months.

“On that note, I’ve been considering starting a business venture.” Barry’s mom offered.

Barry blinked at her, not expecting this at all.

“You know how much I love to bake.” She began.

Barry did. Some of his earliest memories were of his mother’s baking. Watching her go through the process before he was old enough to really help. How the smells filled the house, even long after the oven was off. It was no wonder that even today, the sweet smell of baking was one of the most comforting things to Barry.

 “You also know, of course, how I haven’t been able to find a bakery with any job openings.” His mom continued. “So I’ve been thinking about starting my own baking business. Just something small, not an entire store. But a service that supplies baked goods to local stores and restaurants too busy or small to make their own. Get the word out that way and maybe move up to doing baking for little events, like baby showers and parties and such. Things that I can do on my own, or with your help until you find other work.”

Barry nodded, it seemed like a solid plan. He had never developed quite the same passion for baking that she had, possibly because he was always comparing his results to hers and finding his lacking. But he knew his way around most recipes and enjoyed helping her whenever he could.

\----------------------------------

A few days later, Barry and his mother had made a large variety of samples and were going from place to place to try and convince stores to sell their wares. Barry wished they could have called ahead instead of just showing up in person, for obvious reasons on his part. But his mother insisted it was harder to say no to someone in person, especially someone offering free sweets samples. He couldn’t fault her reasoning, and of course he wasn’t going to make her go alone just because he still hated to show his face in public.

But it was still difficult, every time. Every time that someone happily said hello to his beautiful mother, to turn to him and jump and cringe at the sight of him. Most of them were polite about it and hid their reactions as fast as they could. But Barry still saw them all, and he knew his mom did too. Each one hurt both of them. Barry knew his mom was hurting for him too, no matter how cheerfully she tried to cover it up. This was exactly why Barry rarely went out with anyone else, family or friends.

A few places had agreed to sell his mom’s baked goods on a small trial basis, but not many. It was a slow start, but it was better than nothing. Barry was trying to think positive, but they’d been at this all day and the uncomfortable stares in his direction kept piling up.

“There’s a new little café on the corner of the next block.” His mom told him. “We’ll try there and then call it a day, ok?”

Barry nodded, feeling the weight of the stares on his back as they walked out of the coffee shop that’d just turned them down. He went to that shop fairly often, they ought to be used to him there by now. But they apparently weren’t.

As they approached the restaurant, Barry saw it was called _Hot and Cold Café_. He’d never seen it before, despite living not far away. It must have opened within the past year since the accelerator explosion. The sign on the door advertized their specialty: both hot and cold varieties of sandwiches.

Barry followed his mom inside and looked around. It seemed like a nice place, small and comfortable, clean and homey. The food smelled good and Barry realized he hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast, despite how many restaurants they’d visited. If this went well, maybe he’d suggest getting some sandwiches to take home on the way out.

The waitress that greeted them looked young and her hair was died a striking purple. But after the initial little halt at seeing Barry’s face, her wide smile at him seemed genuine. Her nametag said ‘Magenta’, which seemed less genuine. But who was Barry to tell anyone what to call themselves?

His mom started in on her initial explanation to the girl, and Barry tuned it out. He’d heard it countless times already and his mom had it mastered. Her real business pitch would come once they met the management, if they were agreeable.

Barry glanced around the store again, relaxing a bit when no one seemed to be staring at him, too focused on their food. He heard the distinct clicking of high heels on the marble floor and turned automatically toward a woman coming in from a backdoor, presumably the kitchen. She stopped abruptly at the sight of him, her expression went suddenly blank and she started blinking rapidly at his face. Barry felt his stomach tighten in the familiar feeling of shame and embarrassment.

The woman turned on her heels and all but ran right back out the door she’d just come from. Apparently Barry was so hideous that she couldn’t even stand the sight of him. Barry clenched his jaw and willed the tears not to come, but he could feel himself choking up. He quickly glanced at his mom to find her still talking adamantly with Magenta and oblivious to what’d just happened.

He was grateful for that, at least. If his mom knew someone that worked there had reacted that badly to Barry, there was no way she’d do business with the place. But he really wanted this venture to succeed for her. There was no need for her to fail or feel bad just because some people were superficial jerks to Barry.

So Barry took a deep breath and quietly stepped out of the restaurant. His mom would notice eventually and worry. But there was no way he could keep it together in that place after that. He’d take a few moments, get some air, and by the time she was done he’d be fine and make his excuses to her. It was for the best this way.

He walked a short distance from the door so he wasn’t visible from inside the restaurant, but his mom would still easily find him when she came out. He pulled his hoodie down tighter around his face and leaned his forehead against the stone wall of the building, tense and hurting. He smacked his fists against the wall a few times. Not hard enough to damage them, but hard enough to feel the sting.

If only he were stronger! If only he were less sensitive! He should be used to this by now! Maybe not so much as to have it not hurt, but at least so he could manage to not want to cry in public! Especially when he was with his mother! The last thing he wanted was for her to worry more. But he seemed doomed to keep screwing up her happiness. At that thought, Barry couldn’t hold it back anymore. He watched his tear drops fall and hit the pavement at his feet, feeling like an utter failure.


	5. Chapter 5

Barry watched his tears fall with his head down and hidden, his arms outstretched against the wall, his body bent toward it. He felt almost numb as he watched another splash and disappear onto the concrete sidewalk. He wished he could achieve true numbness and just disappear too. 

Suddenly strong arms wrapped around him from behind, hugging him tightly. He jumped hard and would have automatically tried to kick whoever had grabbed him, if he hadn’t suddenly recognized the arms wrapped around his stomach. Indistinct black sleeves fully covered the arms, but those hands…long and fine boned, pale, silver rings around several including a very distinct one on the pinkie. Leonard. Leonard was hugging him. Barry felt himself go limp and lean back into the other man.

“Hello Barry.” Len practically purred into his ear. “I heard you showed up at my restaurant. There was a misunderstanding. I’m sorry. Are you alright?”

Leonard leaned in and kissed Barry’s neck, right where the scars met unmarred flesh, and completely robbed Barry of any ability to answer. His mind slowly processed what Len had just said.

“ _Your_ restaurant? Hot and Cold Café?”

“Mhhm, yeah, well, mine and Mick’s. We’re partners. I manage the place, deal with the money. He cooks, decides on the food offered.”

As much as he didn’t want to be let go of, Barry moved to turn around. Len loosened his hold and met his eyes. Barry was about to say something else, when he noticed the woman standing on the sidewalk behind Len, looking guilty and sheepish. The woman who had run away at the sight of Barry. Barry stiffened and Len retightened his arms around him.

“Barry, this is my sister, Lisa. Lisa, this is my Barry, as you guessed.”

Len calling him _his_ was enough to get Barry to freeze in place. But he was horrified if the woman who couldn’t stand the sight of him was Len’s _sister_.

“I’m happy to meet you, Barry!” Lisa started, then winced at the look of disbelief Barry gave her. “I _am_! I just…ok, I fucked this up and I’m sorry! I saw you in the restaurant and I right away figured you must be the Barry that Lenny’s been telling me about. The Barry that he’s head over heels for, but too chicken shit to tell about the café, and explain why it’s been keeping him so busy. So I just ran to tell him you were there. I wasn’t thinking about how it’d look to you. I’m really sorry.”

Barry’s head swam, not really absorbing half of what Lisa’d just said. But he did get the misunderstanding that had happened. It made sense, of course. Len talked about his sister and their childhood. There was no way she’d be bothered by someone just because they had scars.

“I…ok…I thought…I…It’s nice to meet you too, Lisa.” Barry finished lamely, feeling stupid and oversensitive.

“I know what you thought, honey. I can’t tell you how sorry I am for putting you through that. I get it, too. You don’t have to explain. And you don’t have to feel bad about how you reacted. Not for one second. Not to me, ever, or to Lenny. We understand how you feel, as much as anyone can.”

Barry swallowed hard, about to start crying anew at her words. He pushed it down. Now wasn’t the time, no matter how understanding the two of them might be. He had too many pressing questions now that their words were sinking in more.

“Why wouldn’t you want to tell me that you own a café with Mick?” He asked as he turned back to Len. “That’s awesome!”

“It’s a bit more complicated than that.” Len answered, never loosening the hold he had around Barry’s waist. “Come inside to my office and I’ll explain?”

Barry nodded, about to agree, when he remembered why he was there in the first place.

“My mom! She’s inside, talking to a waitress. She…she’ll be wondering where I went.”

“Your _mother_ is here?!”

Leonard looked….not angry, but almost afraid. Barry had never seen him look like that before. He hoped it was just because meeting the parent of someone you liked was always intimidating, not because of whatever else it was that Len had been keeping from Barry.

“Don’t worry, I’ll go talk to her and give you and Lenny time to work this out.” Lisa offered. “Mick will want to feed her too, once he knows who she is.”

Barry trusted Mick, his mom would be fine. He trusted all three of them, he realized; Len, Lisa, and Mick. No matter what Len had been holding back on, Barry still instinctively trusted them all.

“Ok, sure, and uhm…can you get Mick to make me something too? I’ll pay, of course! But I am hungry and knowing now that Mick cooks, I’m curious!”

Lisa smiled and nodded, heading back inside. Len relaxed, as if reassured that Barry was in no hurry to leave…or that meeting his mother had been delayed at least for awhile.

“There’s a back door to my office, this way.”

Len gestured to an alley on the side of the building and Barry didn’t hesitate to follow.

\---------------------------

Leonard’s office was neat and clean, if a bit sparse. Barry guessed that made sense. If the restaurant was just starting out, he wouldn’t have had time to accumulate all that much clutter. Managing a new restaurant did seem like a good reason to be very busy. Barry might have taken that as explanation enough from Len, but he’d admitted there was more to it. So Barry was anxious to find out the details.

There weren’t many personal touches in the room, but Barry did see a few picture frames on the desk. They were facing away from him, toward where Len would sit at the desk, and Barry didn’t feel bold enough to turn them around to look. He did see a snow globe on the desk, small and plastic, with a few tiny hockey players positioned on an outdoor rink inside the globe. It made Barry smile.

To his surprise, Len didn’t move to the seat behind the desk. Instead, he took one of the two chairs in front of it and gestured at Barry to take the other. Barry sat and realized this meant no desk and less distance would be between them. He appreciated the gesture.

Len didn’t start talking immediately. He shifted in his seat and fidgeted with his hands. On impulse, Barry reached out and grabbed those hands, intertwining their fingers together and breaching the short distance between them. Leonard smiled at him and squeezed their hands together.

“I…I can tell you think I’m a really good person, Barry.” Len began. “I have to warn you, I’m not. I’ve done some bad things in my life and I…I don’t regret a lot of them.”

“If you don’t regret them, maybe they really weren’t so bad?” Barry offered.

He couldn’t believe Len wasn’t good, at his core. He’d done so much for Barry already.

“I’m trying to be honest with you here, Barry. You need to be honest with yourself, too. Don’t look at me through rose colored glasses. Try to see the real me, not who you want me to be. That won’t do either of us any favors, in the end.

“I’ve always planned on telling you all this, for the record. I wanted to wait until things settled down more, until it was all dealt with and in the past. But…” Len paused and sighed. “As my sister reminds me, it may never all be totally in the past. If you can’t handle it…it would be better if we don’t get involved with each other any further.”

Barry frowned. He did not like where this was going.

“If I promise to listen to you, will you promise to listen to me too?” Barry asked, firm. “If I decide I _can_ handle it, that you’re worth it, will you accept that?

“You hide your self confidence issues a lot better than I do, but I know you, Len. We’ve been in group together long enough that I know you have plenty of self doubt too. Just because you might think you’re not a good person doesn’t mean I can’t. It doesn’t mean I’m delusional or naïve to see you that way. It just means I’m looking at you differently than you can look at yourself. I need to know you can respect my opinion of you, even if you disagree.”

Len started to protest that, but Barry didn’t let him.

“Just like how you can look at my face and think I’m attractive, but I still see someone hideous. If you get to keep trying to convince me I’m beautiful, I get to keep insisting that you’re good.”

That stopped Len short and the look on his face was one of surprise and respect.

“Persuasive, Barry, persuasive. I admit I didn’t expect that to be one of your hidden talents.”

“Let me stick around and you might find I have a lot of surprises for you.”

Leonard raised his eyebrows at that. Barry was surprising himself too, to be honest. He hadn’t spoken this confidently since his face had been scarred. But this was the first time he’d felt like he could be confident; like Len _needed_ him to be. So Barry could do it, if it was for Len.

“I _want_ you to stick around, Barry. That hasn’t changed. It won’t change. Just…if you’re going to leave…sooner will hurt less than later.”

It looked like that had been hard to say. Barry didn’t doubt it had. Len had admitted during group how long it had taken him to be able to talk about his feelings at all.

“Well then, don’t convince yourself we’re doomed even before we start. Isn’t that what you told me? Our self doubts are our own worst enemies. Just tell me what you need to tell me, and respect whatever choice I make afterward.”

“I don’t think I deserve you, Barry.”

“I think you do.”

“I’m a criminal, Barry. I lie, and I steal, and I hurt people.”

Barry swallowed hard, licked his lips and took a second. But just a second. Then responded in a steady voice.

“Have you ever lied to me, Leonard?”

“No. Omitted details, yes. But outright lied? No.”

Barry nodded, feeling better already.

“Have you ever stolen from me, Leonard?”

Len hesitated, frowned and tried to pull away from their still intertwined hands. Barry didn’t let go.

“Technically, yes.” Len sighed, then continued, “You had the work number I gave you in your jeans pocket. You mentioned it at group that night when I gave you my cell number. I was having second thoughts about you finding out about my restaurant so soon. So I stole it.”

Barry blinked.

“You put your hand in my pants and I didn’t notice?”

Len snorted and laughed at that, easily picking up on the innuendo Barry had intended.

“That’s what you’re choosing to take away from that?”

“Yep.” Barry grinned, pleased with himself. “I’ve always admired your hands. And now I’m wondering if you could manage to get my pants _off_ without my noticing.”

“Is that a challenge, Barry?”

“Yes. Yes, it is.”

Barry grinned, pleased with himself, and Len smirked back.

“You’re doing a fine job of completely derailing this conversation.” Len commented. “And while I do appreciate and admire that…the agreement was that you’d listen and take seriously what I’m telling you.”

Sobering at that, Barry nodded. But he didn’t apologize for what he’d done. Flirting with Len was way too fun to be sorry about.

“That said, if this ends well…I will absolutely take you up on that.” Len smirked, “I’ve never literally stolen the pants off someone, but I am up for the challenge.”

Barry smiled back broadly. Then forced himself back to what Len had claimed about himself.

“Hurting people…you’ve never hurt me, so I have the answer to that one. Disappointed me by cancelling our dates, sure. But that’s nothing I can’t easily forgive you for, if it doesn’t keep happening.”

Len nodded, taking the statement seriously.

“Have you ever hurt anyone important to me?” Barry asked next.

“Not that I am aware of.”

“Would you ever, knowingly, hurt anyone important to me?”

“No.” Len’s answer was fast and firm. Barry didn’t doubt the honesty of it.

Barry was ready to let it go. He felt like that was enough. But Len was looking at him like he expected more. Like there was something else he needed Barry to ask. Before Barry could think twice about it and convince himself not to ask, he went with his instinct.

“Have you ever killed anyone?”

“Yes.”

Leonard’s hands shook and he tried again to pull away. Barry resolutely held on.

“Do you regret it?”

“No.”

Barry let go then, pulled his hands away and toward himself automatically. He watched as Leonard’s expression completely broke. He didn’t cry, but Barry thought for a moment that he would. He looked so devastated and hurt, the pain written all over his features. And then they smoothed out. His expression settled into a cold, hard mask. If Barry had looked away for a second he would have totally missed the transformation. He might have mistaken Len for not caring. But he’d seen it. He knew. No matter how calm and collected Len appeared, he was anything but.

Barry hated it. He wanted to reach back across the short distance and take Len’s hands again. But that would signal he was alright with this. He wasn’t sure yet if he was. And he’d promised Len he’d be honest with both of them.

“Can you talk to me about that?” Barry hesitantly asked.

“If you want.” Len shrugged as if it didn’t matter at all to him one way or another. “What do you want to know?”

Barry knew that body language was a lie, too. If he didn’t know Len, if he hadn’t watched the man share at so many group meetings, Barry might not have gotten what was going on at all. But he had and he did. Len was putting up shields around himself to not get hurt. He was expecting rejection from Barry and getting ready to pretend it wouldn’t really affect him. He was putting on airs of not caring about anything or anyone at all. And he was very, very good at it.

Barry wished he didn’t need to know. He wished he could just let it go. Just give Len a hug and get back the kind, considerate Len that he knew. But this was a part of Len, too. This was what Len did to protect himself. Barry needed to know if he could deal with this Len, too. If he couldn’t, this relationship would end sooner or later. And Len had asked him for it to be sooner, to save his feelings. Remembering that, that Len had shared those feelings with him, gave Barry the strength to ask what he needed to.

“How many people have you killed?”

“Haven’t kept count.”

Len shrugged again and leaned back in his chair, farther away from Barry. His posture was meant to exude comfort and ease, appear totally nonchalant. It was a complete lie.

“You’re lying. You’ve never lied to me before. Please don’t start. If you’re not ready to talk about it, say so. But don’t lie to me.”

Leonard looked at him for a moment before responding. His body posture remained relaxed, but his eyes bore holes into Barry.

“You’re asking a lot of me, Barry.”

“I know I am. And I know if I don’t, you’ll never be satisfied that I understand what I’m getting into with you. So help me understand.”

Len broke eye contact and feigned interest at looking at a bare wall.

“I’ve killed eight people.”

Barry couldn’t help it, he gasped. Len flinched, just a tiny fraction. Anyone not looking closely would have missed it.

“And you regret none of them?”

“I regret none of them.”

“Why?”

“They all deserved to die or gave me no choice.”

“You’re so sure of that?”

“Yes, I am.”

Len didn’t look at him, but Barry continued to study his face. That wasn’t a lie, Barry decided. Len really did believe that. Now, the question was, did Barry trust Len’s judgment? He knew the answer to that quickly enough.

“Alright.”

Confusion flickered across Len’s face at that.

“Alright? That’s it? Not going to ask me for details? Names? How recently I’ve taken a life?”

“No, I don’t need to know that. If you want to talk about it, I’ll listen. But I don’t need to ask you that.

“I may not be a criminal, Leonard. But I’m not a hero, either. I don’t have some impossible standard that no one should ever, under any circumstances, kill someone else. That would be a hell of a standard to try and live up to.

“You know how many people you killed. You know why. You don’t have to justify yourself to me. I just needed to know that. I just needed to know you did it because you felt you had to, not because you wanted to.”

“Oh, I _wanted_ to, Barry. Some of them, I _very_ much wanted to.”

“Ok…stop me if I’m wrong, but I think that’s your way of telling me you want to talk about it. You want me to ask you. So, who have you killed because you wanted to?”

“You my shrink now, Barry?” Len drawled. “Gonna try and put Doc Conrad out of business?”

Barry got a chill at that. This was getting worse instead of getting better. Len was putting up more shields, making himself colder. Barry’s mind swam trying to figure out where he’d miss stepped. Len was right, he wasn’t a psychologist.

But…that was it! Len _had_ a psychologist. That wasn’t what he needed from Barry. But Len kept talking before Barry could say anything else.

“I killed my father, for reasons I think you know. But he wasn’t my first. My first was at the ripe young age of 16, when I realized one of our father’s friends intended to rape Lisa and he was going to let them. She was eight. So I stole a gun and…”

Barry jumped out of his seat and Len stopped talking immediately. He tensed up like Barry was going to attack him or something, so Barry slowed down. He took his time taking the two steps toward Len, and then slowly wrapped his arms around him, giving him time to move away or say no.

Len sat rigid and tense in Barry’s embrace, but he didn’t try to get him off. He didn’t move at all.

“I said that wrong, I’m sorry. I meant to say, you don’t enjoy killing, you don’t do it for the fun of it. Not that you didn’t get any satisfaction from it. Hell, _I_ would get satisfaction from killing a man if he planned to rape a little girl.

“I’m sorry I made you feel like I was trying to be your therapist. I’m not. I’m your friend, Leonard.”

“Still?”

Barry couldn’t see Len’s face because he refused to stop hugging him, but that tone of voice was entirely different from the cold one of a moment ago. It took Barry a second to understand what he meant.

“Yes. I am absolutely still your friend! For the record, I still want to date you, too.”

Len’s body finally relaxed and his arms wrapped around Barry. They just stayed like that for awhile, until Barry noticed his shoulder was suspiciously wet. Though Len had shown no other signs of crying.

“You’re too good for me, Barry.”

“No. You’re good _enough_ for me, Leonard.”

Len inhaled sharply at that and Barry realized it sounded differently than he’d meant it. But he thought Len understood. Len was no hero, but there was more than enough good in him for Barry. That was what Barry thought, anyway.

“I think maybe, we’re trying to rush this too much.” Barry offered cautiously. “I’m all for full disclosure and knowing what we’re getting into, but…you don’t get to know someone that intimately over a few weeks, or even a few months. All relationships that are healthy grow and change over time.”

Len nodded against Barry’s shoulder, but didn’t say anything.

“I still have no clue why you didn’t want me to know about the restaurant, for instance.” Barry pointed out. “But I’ll tell you the same thing you told me and has stuck with me since: There’s nothing I know about you that I don’t like. I’m not saying I think you’re perfect. I’m sure you have your flaws. But they’re a part of you that makes you the person I really care about, and want to be with. That’s just as true now as it was when we walked into this room.”

Leonard tightened his hold on Barry, the words clearly affecting him even though he still hid his face. Barry thought he would be happy to just stay like this forever, with Len.

There was a knock on the door then, followed by Lisa’s voice telling them it was her.

“I won’t make you open the door, but I’m putting two sandwiches and fries out here in the hall for you. Mick expects them both to be eaten. And that means one by you, Lenny. Not both by Barry.

“Barry, your mom is a sweetheart and both me and Mick love her, but it’s getting a bit awkward out there. You should make an appearance soon, at least to tell her you’re staying for awhile and she can go home if she wants.”

Barry winced in embarrassment. He had no idea how long he’d already kept his mom waiting.

“Ok, thanks, I’ll be right out!”

He said that to Lisa, but as soon as it was out of his mouth, he had no idea how he was going to let Len out of his arms. Even just for long enough to check in with his mom.

“Give me a minute and we’ll go together.” Len told him, his face still buried in Barry’s shoulder. “Would be damn rude of me to not meet her.”

Barry smiled at that and kissed the top of Len’s head. They were just getting started. But Barry had a feeling they were going to be alright, in the end.


	6. Chapter 6

True to his word, Len had himself together in a few minutes. If it wasn’t for the dampness still on his shoulder, Barry would have had no idea Len had just been crying. The man was a master at hiding his emotions, Barry was realizing. It made him really appreciate how much of his feelings Len had shared with him, from the beginning.

Len set their sandwiches on his desk, for later, laughing at how Barry’s stomach growled at the smell. Then they made their way through the kitchen toward the main part of the restaurant. Mick looked up from a stove as they passed and he nodded at them.

“Haven’t broken his heart yet, I see. Glad to know I won’t have to kill you, kid. I do kind of like you. And your mom’s cookies are the best I’ve ever tasted.”

“Cookies?” Len asked, his confused expression adorable to Barry.

“Yeah, uhm, I think I forgot to mention that part.” Barry laughed, a bit guiltily.

“Never mind, I took care of it.” Mick assured them. “After I convinced her I wasn’t just saying I wanted them because I know you, she accepted my order. Even agreed to make a few bigger batches here in the future, if they sell well enough, since you don’t have the equipment at home.”

Barry blinked for a moment in surprise, then grinned widely.

“Thanks, Mick, you’re awesome!”

“Your mom’s cookies are awesome. I wouldn’t have done it otherwise. Whether the boss is fucking you or not.”

“Uh…I…really, really hope you didn’t say something like that in front of my mother.” Barry stuttered.

“Pshh, give me some credit, I know how to talk to mothers! And customers, and business partners, and during group. I’m talkin to you like a friend!”

Mick glared at him, as if challenging him to disagree. Barry had no desire to do that, and smiled wider.

“Thanks, Mick.” He repeated.

Mick just grunted in response, and waved them away.

Len smiled and spoke once they were out of Mick’s earshot.

“You like Mick. You don’t mind calling him a friend.” There was surprise in Len’s voice.

“Of course I like Mick. What’s not to like about Mick? And he _is_ my friend, as far as I’m concerned.”

“You won’t get disagreement from me. Just, a lot of people find Mick…off-putting.”

Len was pleased, Barry could tell. Truthfully, Barry saw how Mick could be scary to some people. Or how people could dismiss him as stupid. But those people hadn’t been in group with him. Barry was proud to call Mick a friend.

They went out to the dining area of the restaurant, finally. Once they’d made their way to her table, Barry’s mom looked up at them and smiled warmly, standing up to be introduced.

“Mom, this is Leonard, the friend I’ve been telling you about. He apparently owns this restaurant.”

“Yes, so I’ve heard! It’s great to meet you, Leonard!”

“It’s great to meet you too, Mrs….Barry’s Mom.”

Len had halted mid-sentence and Barry belatedly realized he’d never told Len their last name. It made him feel better about still not knowing Len’s either.

“I haven’t been called Mrs. Barry’s Mom since he and his friends were all five!” she laughed, “Makes me feel young, so thank you! But its Allen, dear, our last name is Allen.

“You’ve got a wonderful restaurant here. As I told Mr. Rory, the sandwiches are amazing!”

“Mrs. Allen.” Len confirmed. “It is a pleasure. You’ve got an amazing son, and I hear, make wonderful cookies.”

“Thank you! I can’t take all the credit for Barry, but I’ll take the credit for the cookies. I’d offer you some, but I believe the young lady with the purple hair made off with the last of them.”

“Well I’ll be sure to steal some when you send us a full order, then.” Len smiled, all charm.

“I’ll send a plate just for you, dear.” She shook her head. “I know you’ve been helping Barry, and I really appreciate it. This is embarrassing him, but I’m his mom, it’s my job. He’s needed a good friend. Some things might need explaining yet between you two, I can tell. But he’s been happier since he’s known you. You’ve made him happier than anything else has, since the accident.”

Barry blushed a deep scarlet, on the side of his face still capable of showing blush. But he didn’t deny it. What she said was true.

Leonard, for his part, looked completely taken aback at the praise and at a loss of words.

“So, mom, I’m gonna stay here awhile, spend some time with Len. If you, uhm, want to head home, you can, whenever.”

Barry realized belatedly how rude that sounded. But thankfully his mom understood his meaning.

“Ok.” She agreed, her eyes sparkling happily. “Give me a text later if you’re not going to be home tonight, Barry.”

Barry agreed and said good bye to his mom. He soon followed Len back toward his office, excited to try Mick’s sandwiches. Len sat down, behind his desk this time, still looking kind of shell shocked.

“That was the best meeting a parent I’ve ever had.” Len admitted.

“Clearly, we’re meant for each other.” Barry teased.

He dragged one of the other chairs behind the desk to sit next to Len. The other man watched him a bit warily, but he didn’t protest.

Then Barry bit into a sandwich and it was so good, he didn’t pay attention to much else for awhile.

\----------------------------------

“You’re gonna eat that, right?” Barry asked, after awhile, pointing to the untouched sandwich on Len’s plate.

Len had started doing paperwork left on the desk, while Barry focused on eating. Barry’d devoured half his own sandwich in record time.

“You’re not getting my sandwich, Barry.” Len smirked playfully, stealing a fry from Barry’s plate at the same time.

“Hey, you’ve got your own!” Barry swiped a fry off Len’s plate to make it even.

“Oh, it is _on_ , Barry Allen!” Len’s smirk was playfully threatening and so, so attractive.

The next few minutes were spent flirting in an entirely adult, mature manner. Barry and Len both shoved their hands into each other’s plates and tried to steal food, stuff it in their face before the other could grab it back, smacked at the other’s hands, laughed evilly at every successful swipe, and whined justifiably at every stolen piece. Barry couldn’t remember the last time he’d had this much fun.

And then Leonard was kissing him. His mouth tasted like salt, pickles, and ketchup. Barry’s probably tasted the same, he thought, so it was fair. What was not fair, was what Len was doing with his tongue. If Barry had thought Len’s hands were talented, they had nothing on his tongue. But then, Len’s hands were in Barry’s hair, stoking and tugging, and Barry thought he might need to reevaluate again. Further testing and comparisons were definitely required.

But too soon, far too soon, Len was pulling back and looking at him. Barry could get lost in those eyes so easily, but right then he’d much rather get lost in those lips. He moved toward Len to continue, but Len pulled back further.

“I still haven’t even told you about the restaurant.”

“I still don’t even know your last name.” Barry countered. “But Leonard, it doesn’t matter! How I feel isn’t going to change!”

“It might, my last name is pretty awful.”

Barry laughed, but let it go. He wasn’t going to push if it made Len uncomfortable.

“So? You going to tell me your last name or am I going to have to go ask Lisa? I’m pretty sure she already told my mom, so I’m going to hear it eventually.”

“It’s Snart.”

“Ok, that is pretty bad, I don’t know if I can do this now.” Barry teased, faking moving to get out of the chair, but halting midway and sitting back down.

“I really, really like you, Leonard Snart.” Barry switched to. “I want to date you. So please just tell me what the hell is wrong with your restaurant so we can get that out of the way! It’s not, like…the sandwiches aren’t made of people, are they?”

Finally, Leonard laughed and relaxed again.

“No, Barry, the sandwiches are perfectly people-free. It’s…it’s not half as bad as what we already covered, but…that was all in the past and this is something I’m still dealing with. Something I didn’t want you to get accidentally involved in. Which is why I tried to keep you at a distance for awhile. I kept thinking it would be over soon, but…it’s not working out quite like I had planned.”

Barry nodded, listening.

“I’ll give you the short version for now.” Len started. “The less details you know, the safer it’ll be, for both of us. Once it’s over, or at least further in the past…I’ll fill in whatever you want.”

Barry wasn’t happy about that, but he could accept it. He nodded.

“Mick and I decided it was time to, mostly, leave our life of crime behind. Give going legit a good hard try.”

“Lisa too?” Barry couldn’t help asking, knowing how much Len worried about his little sister.

“Lisa’s never been as involved in our criminal activities as me and Mick. She’s helped out a bit, but I’ve mostly been able to steer her toward the up and up. Likewise, she helps out around the cafe sometimes. But it’s not her main job. She’s a jewelry designer. At a company that we have never, nor will ever, rob. If she’d known the full details about the restaurant, she would have understood why I didn’t want you here yet. But I’ve kept those from her too.”

Barry nodded again. It made sense Len would try to protect Lisa by not getting her involved. Len had been trying to do the same for Barry.

“Earlier this year, Mick and I were hired for a job by a certain mob family. Now, normally we’d never work for the mob, under any circumstances. But this Family is actually fairly honorable, for the mob. They have a code and they stick to it. Much better than most Families in Central. It would be good for the city overall if they held more power here.

“What they hired us to do actually helped that, too. They wanted us to break into a rival mob’s factory, where the other Family was printing counterfeit money. We were to destroy the machinery and burn all the fake money. The Family that hired us promised to keep the heat from the job off us and on them, if we promised to go legit afterward.

“They don’t want competition from us working the criminal underworld any longer. It was one of the reasons they hired us, rather than do it themselves. Essentially giving us an offer for one last job and a reason to quit, but be able to stay in the city we call home. Since we already wanted to make a go of making an honest living, it seemed perfect.

“Did the job, easily enough. They’ve upheld their end of the deal, too. But…we couldn’t just let all of that money burn. We took some, a decent amount. Enough to last awhile.

“Now here’s where it went wrong. I didn’t account for how thoroughly the Family that hired us looked into us beforehand. Or how strongly they did _not_ want any of that money surviving.

“They knew exactly how much money we had before the job, and exactly how much they paid us for the job. Those combined was enough to buy this place and get it going, but not enough to keep it running until it starts generating a profit.

“I let everything cool down for six months, but it wasn’t long enough. They were still watching us, seeing if we did any more jobs to get more money, waiting to see if we spent more money than we should have available. When we opened this place, their suspicions got worse.

“Now, they don’t have any proof we took that money. So far we technically haven’t spent enough to show our hand. Thankfully they’re honorable enough that they won’t move against us without proof. But it’s just a matter of time until they do. We don’t have the money to keep this place running without dipping into what we took on that job. Only a gut feeling kept me from spending any of it so far.

“If we use it; let it out into circulation, whether it’s to buy food or equipment, or pay our employees, or even deposit it in a bank, they’ll manage to get a hold of at least a bill or two and track it back to us. And that’s all they’ll need to prove we had it. They’ve got access to cameras planted all over the city. I sweep the café for bugs three times a day. I find some at least once a week.”

Len paused and took a breath. He ran his hands over his head, through his short hair. Barry could tell he was beating himself up over this.

 “I…should have looked into how the money was made better. I should have paid attention to how that other Family ran their business. But, I never expected them to mark the money. The whole point of counterfeit money is to make it as close to real as possible! But apparently the point of this money was to tag it, to be able to trace it, see who used it, how it got circulated. And prove it was fake whenever they wanted to, to be able to threaten and frame anyone that used it.”

“How?” Barry frowned. “How could they possibly tag it like that?”

“I’m not getting into telling you that.” Len shook his head. “You already know more than you should. We’ve got a thin cover now, with your mother’s sweets business. They’re not interested in legit businesses we deal with; unless it’s to make sure they can get back some of the cash we pay them with to test.

“But if they realize you and I are anything more than that…. If they suspect you’re involved with trying to clean the money, if they see us together too often…you’ll be watched, your house, your _mother_. They are honorably run at the top of the Family, but it only takes one overeager underlining to make a mistake, pull a trigger, and cause a tragedy. I’m not putting you in danger because of my mistake.

“It’s only because of their code of honor, that support groups are off limits for surveillance, that they haven’t latched onto you as important to me already. That I got a new cell right before I gave you the number is no coincidence. I have to check that daily for hacking, too.”

Barry’s frown deepened. He felt terrible for Len, who was obviously agonizing over this. He wanted to help, but he also wanted to respect Len’s wishes to keep him out of it, especially if there was any danger to his mother. But he did have questions.

“But you’ve…hugged me, in public, a few times now.” Barry reminded, gently.

“Yeah…that…those weren’t my smartest moments.” Len admitted cringing. “But I’ll tell you a secret you already know, if you think about it, Barry. I can’t stand seeing you in pain. I can’t watch you suffer and not step in to help if there’s any chance I can.”

Barry’s heart started pounding overtime at those words and the sincerity behind them.

“It’s not going to be forever.” Len assured him. “I’m working on a way to clean the money. Once that’s done, there’ll be no way they can prove where I got it and we’ll be in the clear. I had hoped it would already be done, but nothing I’ve planned has worked yet.

“But it _will_. I’ll think of something. You don’t need to get involved. You can visit me here, at the restaurant, deliver your mom’s sweets and stay awhile. It’ll look like we’re making plans relating to the baking. The café itself is safe enough to talk since I make sure of that daily. But I…we can’t go on real dates, not yet, not without putting you in more danger.”

“If it were just about me I’d argue.” Barry shook his head. “I’d do it in a heartbeat. But with my mother…I won’t risk her. So I understand how you don’t want to risk me either.”

Regardless of his words, Barry wanted to protest more. He wanted more answers. He wanted to help, even if it was just with ideas how to clean the money. But he didn’t want to press Len. This was all too new still. He didn’t want Len to feel he had to shut Barry out even more.

What he _did_ know, was that he thought nothing less of Len for this. He wasn’t sure what that said about his own moral compass. He knew most normal people wouldn’t want to jump into a relationship with a criminal with mob ties, even one trying to go straight. But Barry hadn’t considered himself normal in a long time. Not since the particle accelerator had exploded and he’d woken up barely recognizing his own face, and feeling responsible for his own father’s death.

What Barry did know, was that he wanted to be with Leonard, plain and simple. If he had to wait for that to be real dates, then he would wait.

“I’m glad you understand, Barry.”

“I’m glad you told me, Len.” Barry echoed, adding, “And since our time together is limited for now, I think we should make the most of it…don’t you?”

Len raised his eyebrows in question at that. But when Barry leaned forward and pushed their lips together, Len caught on to the plan quickly.


	7. Chapter 7

The following few weeks passed quickly, with Barry visiting Leonard at the café every few days. The delivery of fresh baked sweets was an easy excuse, because it was true. His mom’s cookies and pastries were selling really well, which Barry was thrilled about.

He wasn’t as thrilled about only ever being able to stay with Len for a few hours, and always in the back office, but he consoled himself that someday that would change. He thanked fate that brought him and his mom to that shop at all, or they wouldn’t even have that much yet.

He was also thankful how supportive his mom was; not questioning that Barry could only see Len at the café and never stayed any longer than he did. He suspected she knew there was more that he wasn’t telling her, but she trusted his judgment. What she had said before was true; Len made him happy, no matter how limited their time together might still be.

There had been talk of Barry working at the café, but he knew he would have made a horrible waiter. He was far too clumsy and socially awkward, in his opinion. He might have been able to help Mick in the kitchen, but they honestly weren’t busy enough to really need someone just to do that. Knowing their money troubles, Barry wasn’t going to make it even harder for them to get by. He’d find something else eventually, he’d assured them.

Barry smiled and nodded at Shawna and Magenta as he entered the café that afternoon. All the restaurant staff had gotten familiar enough with him to not bat an eye at his appearance. It was a small staff and they all seemed nice enough. Not that Len would have let anyone stick around if they didn’t treat Barry well. Barry had no doubt of that. Both the women were busy with customers though, so he didn’t stop to say hello.

He did say good morning to Mick, as he passed through the kitchen and dropped off the order of sweets on an empty counter. Mick glanced at him and grunted, not bothering to pause in his precise cutting of sausage he was preparing to grill. Some people might find him rude, or threatening, the way he was wielding that knife. But to Barry, he was just being himself and was comfortable with Barry in his kitchen. Barry respected that.

Len’s office looked much the same as it did every day, as Barry entered and closed the door behind him. Len was at his desk and looked up at Barry and smiled. That smile still took Barry’s breath away, as did the look of genuine fondness in those gorgeous eyes. They hugged and kissed hello briefly, then settled down to talk. Mostly small talk; neither had much new to say. But it was all very relaxed and comfortable. Barry just enjoyed being in such close proximity to Len, and the other man seemed to feel the same.

Len was acting as he always did; nothing out of the ordinary. If Barry hasn’t been so fond of Len’s hands, he might not have even noticed anything was different. But he did. Len was wearing black leather gloves. Barry blinked and frowned. He knew Len saw when he noticed, as he stiffened almost imperceptibly in his chair. Barry was grateful at how good he was becoming at reading Len. If he’d known him less well, he might have let it go.

“Are you sick, cold? Because it’s not cold in here to me.” Barry asked, gesturing to the gloves.

“I’m fine, Barry.” Len answered, not really explaining anything.

“Did you hurt your hands?” Barry pressed, worried.

“I said I’m _fine_ , Barry, drop it!” Len snapped, ice inching into his voice.

“Ok, fine.” Barry scowled, suddenly hurt. “If you don’t want to tell me, then fine! I just…I’ll just…I’m going to head home now then. I should be spending more time job hunting, anyway.”

Len flinched slightly, his eyes showing hurt, but mostly he didn’t react. Again, Barry knew he wouldn’t have noticed any reaction at all, if he didn’t know Len as well as he did. He got up to leave and waited a few seconds for Len to stop him. He didn’t. He didn’t move or show anything else on his face that Barry could read.

Barry sighed and started to walk out. He didn’t want to actually leave. He knew he might be over reacting a bit. But Len’s tone had hurt, more than his words. If Len didn’t want to talk to him, why should he stay?

He was at the door with his hand on the knob when Len spoke.

“Barry, wait, please.”

It was a soft whisper. Barry barely heard it at all. But he did, so he paused. He didn’t turn around or let go of the door knob.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you.” Len spoke louder now, “I just…I _hate_ not talking to you about this, this whole thing! I want it to be done and over with, so I can give you the honestly and attention you deserve; that I _want_ to give you! Mick and I decided to go legit partly because of this, how damaging it is to any relationship to keep holding back parts of our lives; to keep secrets from people we care about.

“But we can’t, because of _me_! Because I can’t solve this thing! You’re hurting. Mick’s hurting. He’s interested in a doctor that used to treat him and comes to the café sometimes. But he won’t even go out of the kitchen to talk to her because he doesn’t want her involved. Because of _me!_ I’m supposed to be the brains, the one that always has the plan. I should be able to _fix_ this! I should have been able to fix it _months_ ago!

“Barry…if I lose you over this, I am never going to be able to forgive myself.”

That voice was honest, and in pain. The words sounded like they were ripped out of Len’s mouth like when he shared at group. Like it physically hurt him to admit such vulnerability to someone else, but he forced himself because he knew he should. Because he was brave, and good, at his core. This was the Leonard that Barry had fallen for in the first place. There was no way Barry was walking away from him, ever.

Barry turned around and locked eyes with Len. Those eyes spoke of that pain too, vividly, even if his expression remained cold otherwise. Barry strode forward and was back next to him in seconds.

“You’re not losing me over this, Leonard. Even if I’d left, I would have been back tomorrow, or the next day. It hurts when you freeze me out. I’m not going to say it doesn’t. But a lot of that is because I want so badly to know what’s going on, to be able to _help_ you!”

Barry sat back down and glanced at Len’s hands again. He would have reached for them, but he was too afraid they might be hurt. So he gathered some courage, inspired by Len himself, and put a hand on Len’s face; cupping the side and running a thumb along his cheek.

Barry had thought it only happened in movies, but a single tear escaped Len’s control and fell down his cheek. Barry tactfully acted like he didn’t see it, but his heart went out to Len.

Then Len pulled back with a growl and Barry withdrew his hand like it’d been burned. Had he screwed this up? But no, Len’s anger didn’t seem directed at him. It seemed directed at his own hands, as he violently pulled off the gloves.

Len’s hands seemed to be working fine, at least, Barry thought. Once the gloves were off, Barry could only blink at them in confusion. They were…blue. A very bright blue.

Barry reached toward them and Len didn’t hesitate to take his hands. Len’s didn’t seem any colder than normal.

“It’s…dye?” Barry ventured. None of it seemed to be rubbing off on Barry’s hands. But every inch of Len’s was covered in it.

“Yes, sort of.” Len sighed. “The results of my latest botched attempt to clean the tagged money. I got impatient, frustrated, or this wouldn’t have happened.”

“But, you’re not hurt?”

Barry knew the dye, whatever it was, couldn’t be poisonous or Len would never have touched Barry with his hands still covered in it. But that didn’t mean it hadn’t somehow hurt Len when it happened.

“No, Barry. I’m fine.” Len repeated, squeezing Barry’s hands. “That’s the truth.”

Barry breathed a sigh of relief. He then went back to looking at Len’s hands, running his own hands over them and studying the color. Len let him, seemingly studying Barry’s face in return, watching for a reaction.

Then it hit Barry. His eyes widened and he looked at Len’s face. If this was what he thought it was…Barry huffed to try and contain his growing irritation.

“Leonard…is this because of a chemical reaction? Is the money tagged _chemically_?!”

“Yes.” Len had the good sense to look guilty, at least, but that wasn’t enough.

Barry dropped Len’s blue hands and jumped out of his seat. He made no move to leave Len’s office, but started pacing back and forth around it, trying to get his anger under control. It didn’t really help.

“I cannot _believe_ you, Leonard Snart!! You needed to _chemically_ clean money that is somehow tagged to produce a _chemical reaction_ and you didn’t tell your boyfriend, who is a _chemical engineer_!!!”

Len remained in his seat and made an entirely obviously fake attempt to look chastised. His lips twitched upwards, completely ruining the effect.

“I’m thinking this a bad time to tell you that you look really cute when you’re angry?” Len offered.

This was the first time that Barry had ever genuinely been angry with Len, he realized. Len, who was insightful enough to realize this surface anger of Barry’s, was a lot less harmful than the depressed hurt he’d felt when he was about to leave a few minutes ago. So he responded by teasing Barry. Damn it, Barry loved him. Which was why he very much wanted to strangle him at that moment.

“I could have _helped_! You’ve been going crazy with this for weeks, months, beating yourself up! And _I could_ have helped!!”

Barry resumed pacing and added in a little growl every few steps. It felt good to get angry over something again, in a way. He realized he hadn’t really been angry at anything besides himself since the accident.

Leonard watched him, followed his movements with his eyes. But he didn’t say anything else. He gave Barry the time he needed to let it out. Eventually it worked and Barry tired of pacing, calmed enough to sit down with a huff.

Barry looked at Leonard and gave him his best determined, ‘do not argue with me’, expression. It never used to intimidate people. In the back of his mind, Barry knew that could be different now that half his face was a mangled horror show. But he also knew Leonard would never, had never, seen him that way. Len was surely as unaffected as the people Barry had tried this on before his accident. But Barry just needed to convey to Len that he meant business.

“You do realize I _am_ helping you now, right? There’s no way you’re getting out of that now.”

“Yeah, Barry, I know.”


	8. Chapter 8

Barry knew Leonard wasn’t exactly happy about Barry’s resolution to help, but he was resigned to it. Len still worried, but they’d reasoned it was as safe as it could be. The restaurant had been selling Barry’s mom’s sweets for long enough now that it was clear it was a legit business relationship. Barry could keep visiting the café and they could work on the money there. They could keep up the pretense they were business partners only.

If the mob figured out that Barry was closer to Len than merely a business contact, so be it. They wouldn’t have proof, if Barry and Len continued to limit it to the café. They wouldn’t go after Barry just for that, unless things went really bad. As long as they didn’t suspect Barry had anything to do with cleaning the money.

Which he now did. So it wasn’t without its dangers. Len did worry. But Barry had waited long enough, he thought. Len needed his help and Barry was going to give it.

\---------------------------------

Barry sat on one side of Len’s desk, while his boyfriend sat on the opposite, so they were facing each other and both had a decent amount of the desk to work on. Barry was glad it was a large desk. At the moment, his side contained three bowls each filled with a bill of tagged money and various colors of blue water, a bowl with tomato soup, a dish with a sandwich, a bottle of soda, and a large stack of papers with his notes and calculations.

Barry quickly scrawled more notes with one hand, his mind swimming with formulas and possibilities. With his other hand he dipped his grilled cheese sandwich into the tomato soup. He took a bite of the sandwich without looking up from his notes, and absently tasted how good it was without his mind losing focus on his work.

Len’s side of the desk had…Barry wasn’t sure exactly. He hadn’t really noticed. Len was working on something, he knew that much. Barry tended to get absorbed in his work and lose track of everything else. He realized he had no idea how long it’d been since he’d last looked up from his notes. He hadn’t when Mick had brought in the food, merely nodding to acknowledge he knew it was there and thanks.

So Barry looked up, a bit guiltily, to find Len staring at him. His boyfriend’s expression was one of mild concern.

“What?” Barry asked.

“I’m wondering if I’m fast enough to stop you in time before you take a bite, if you put that sandwich into one of the bowls with the money mix, instead of the soup.” Len answered, his eyes narrowing.

Barry glanced at the bowls lined up on the desk and realized they did all look nearly identical, besides the contents, and were all quite close together. Still, he didn’t want to just admit he was in danger of making a mistake like that.

 “I’ll have you know I’ve been experimenting with chemistry since I was like eight and I have never swallowed any chemicals!” Barry huffed. “Well…none that were dangerous anyway. I did purposely mix some sometimes that were _made_ to drink, so that’s different. And this stuff wouldn’t kill me; just maybe make me throw up a bit.”

Len looked decidedly unimpressed and not at all reassured. Barry sighed and flipped his last page of notes over to the blank back so he couldn’t look at them anymore. It was the only way he would stop staring at them.

“It would be a crime to waste Mick’s cooking that way, though. So I’ll stop while I finish eating.” Barry promised.

“Thank you.” Len sighed.

“Sorry….I…I just get really focused when I’m working.” Barry admitted. “I didn’t mean to ignore you, or make you worry.”

“Its fine, Barry. I’m the same way. Sometimes I forget to eat unless Mick reminds me.” Len responded. “But it was three days before that stuff was completely off my hands. I’m not letting you turn your mouth blue.”

“So we’ll both stop to eat then and no one will get any new blue body parts.” Barry agreed.

Len smiled and Barry smiled back. As difficult as solving this tagged money problem was being, Barry was just glad he was getting to help. He’d missed getting to work on solving something like this, he realized. When this was finished, he’d restart his job hunt with renewed determination.

\---------------------------------------

“Ok, so the Santinis embedded a special grade of copper sulfate particles into the fibers of the counterfeit money they made.”

 Barry went over the basics while Len listened, even though he had been the one to tell Barry all this background before, once he’d agreed to let Barry help. In turn, it helped Barry to talk it out now, in order to be able to think of new solutions and make sure he hadn’t missed anything. Len was perfectly amicable to that.

“So whenever any of this money is put into water, the water reacts to the copper fibers and turns bright blue within a few minutes. A tiny bit of the copper gets dissolved each time, but this grade of copper is so dense that it would take years submerged in water to get it to stop turning the water blue entirely.

“Using various household chemicals, I’ve managed to create mixtures that change the shade of blue the water becomes, but not that it turns blue at all. It’s still very noticeable. It still turns blue every time, too. It hasn’t noticeably lessened at all yet.”

That was over simplifying it, but that was the root of the problem. Barry hadn’t actually made much more progress than Leonard had, and it was really frustrating. He wanted so badly to be the one to solve this for Len!

“You’ve been at this for hours today, Barry. Go home, go to sleep. Try again tomorrow.”

Barry shook his head. He knew Len was right. But he couldn’t let it go. He’d been hoping a fresh head after sleep would help for the past two days, and he’d had zero new ideas that way.

“I’m going to stop at the store on the way home. Walk around the rows with the household chemicals and see if I can get inspired to somehow do this with some other combination of them.”

Len started to nod in resignation, but then stopped with a frown as if something had just dawned on him.

“Barry…have you been limiting yourself to using what you can buy in stores?” Len asked with his eyes narrowed.

“Well, yeah, and online. It’s not like I have access to a lab right now!”

“If you _did_ have access to a lab, you could solve this?”

“Well, yeah, probably. I mean, it’d depend on what the lab had. If I was still at Star Labs…I mean, if Star Labs was the way it was when I worked there still…I know they had everything I need. We had experimental chemicals that would work; I’d just need to mix up enough of a solution to account for all the money. And I’d need to use the industrial strength centrifuge that was there.”

“So…you already _know_ how to clean the money, you just need different tools?!” Len ran his hands over his head like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“Well, yeah, but what does it matter? We don’t have access to those things! And you can’t steal them with the mob watching you, even if it _were_ possible to move that amount of stuff! Which is isn’t, by the way! The centrifuge I’m talking about is way too huge for one man, or even three or four people, to move. Even if a local lab has it all, now that Star Labs is closed.”

“We wouldn’t need to move it, just get access to it!” Len countered. “And Star Labs is perfect, actually! It’s been closed down since the accident, completely abandoned, but they never emptied it of most of the equipment and materials. We’d just need to get a copy of the last inventory they took before the accident and see if everything should still be there.”

Barry blinked. He felt horribly guilty for not mentioning it to Len sooner. But he hadn’t even considered any of that was possible.

“But…the mob’s still watching you.” He reminded Leonard.

“They’re watching me to see if I pull a job to get new money.” Len explained. “Breaking into an abandoned lab and not stealing anything from it is no way to make money.”

“They’re also watching to see if you clean the money, you _did_ say so!” Barry argued.

“Watching, yes, but I don’t think they believe it can be done, any more than I was beginning to believe it could be done.

“It’s a risk, Barry. It is. But it’s a lot less risky than an outright heist. There are ways to do this so they won’t know I was involved.”

“Alright.” Barry huffed, hoping Len knew what he was talking about and it wasn’t just desperation for a solution speaking.

“How long will it take to make the solution and run all the money through the centrifuge?” Len asked. “Can we do this in a night, or does it need to be several?”

“One night should be enough, providing everything we need is there.” Barry quickly calculated in his head.

“Ok, write down a list of everything, and detailed instructions of what I need to do, so I can memorize it.”

Barry blinked in surprise, not understanding what Len was saying for a moment. But knowing Len, it then clicked.

“What? No! I’m going with you!” Barry protested.

“No. You are not.” Len’s denial was flat and final.

“No, Len! You need me! Look, you’re smart, really smart, I know that! But this is so far from standard chemistry! I can’t just teach it to you in a few days! This is using stuff I helped develop! I’m one of the few people that understand how these chemicals at the lab work!”

“No, Barry. I am _not_ getting you further involved!”

“Ok, listen. I know how it should work, in theory, but it may not do what’s expected! I need to be there to make calculations and see reactions! And what if the stuff we need isn’t where it’s supposed to be? What if something goes wrong and we need to improvise? You _need_ me there!”

Barry crossed his arms over his chest, unyielding.

“Barry, think about what you’re saying, this is a _crime_! If you get caught, you will have a _criminal record_! I know how hard it is to start over once you have a record. As hard as it is to find a job for you now, triple that, at least! Your life will never be the same! And that’s _if_ you avoid prison time because you’re a first offender! As an ex-con, it’s nearly impossible to find a decent job! Never mind you actually have to survive the prison sentence first!”

“So we won’t get caught!” Barry bit back. “You said you had ways to make it safe!”

“Safer than a heist where we’re stealing money!” Len snapped. “But it’s still a major crime! There are still risks! Risks _you_ do not need to take, Barry! Risks that I will _not_ let you take, for _me_!”

“That’s what this is really about, isn’t it.” Barry realized, softening. “You feel responsible for the entire thing. You feel like it’s all your fault. So you feel like you have to fix it all on your own.”

“It _is_ my fault, Barry!”

“I don’t see it that way. But even if it is, so what?” Barry argued. “I care about you, Leonard. I can help you. If I’m not there and something goes wrong, I’m never going to be able to get over it. Not when I could have possibly helped. Being caught is a risk I’m willing to take. Yes, for _you_!

“If we’re going to be in a long term relationship, which I very much hope we are, you need to come to terms with that; me, helping you. That’s how a partnership works. It’s about both of us helping each other. No matter who’s responsible for the problem, whether the problem started before we met or not. We’re in this together now, and that’s how I want it.

“You worry about me, I get that. I worry about you. That’s how it is, with people that care about each other. That’s the way it _should_ be. So please, Len, let me help you!”

Leonard didn’t give in immediately after that, as Barry had hoped. He was far too stubborn, protective, and self sacrificing for that. But Barry could be all those things, too. Len had at least heard Barry, and had listened. Barry kept holding out, repeating his points, and eventually Len agreed.

Barry was so relieved that he almost forgot now he had to _do_ this thing. He had to go back to Star Labs, the place he hadn’t set foot in since the accident. Since the night that everything had changed. He had to go back to the very room in which dangerous chemicals had fallen on him, burned him, and marked his face forever.


	9. Chapter 9

Barry was in the dining part of the café, talking to Shawna, when another woman walked in asking for Leonard. Barry might have been mistaken for a goth, with his preference to wear dark clothing since the accident, but this girl was definitely going for the look. Black clothes, long slick black hair, an ankh necklace, and a generous amount of black make up.

Len had told Barry that a woman was coming in for a meeting with them that day, but this wasn’t what Barry was expecting. Still, she seemed nice enough when Barry said he’d walk back to Len’s office with her. Almost too nice, in fact. She didn’t even blink twice at Barry’s face, as if she’d known to expect what he looked like.

Barry didn’t trust her, but he knew Len would decide if she should be let in on the job or not. The job, which Barry had thought was a relatively simple break in to Star Labs, but which Len had woven into a complicated plot that most assured none of them would be caught; neither by the police nor the mob afterward.

“Hey Mick. Been awhile.” She smiled at the cook as they made their way through the kitchen.

“Fox! Hey! Good to see you!” Mick grinned widely and actually accepted a full hug from the woman. “Len told me you were stopping by. You have to take sandwiches with you on the way out, don’t forget!”

“Wouldn’t dream of it! You know I love your cooking!”

Barry blinked in surprise and immediately reassessed the goth girl. If Mick greeted her this warmly, she must be alright.

Len had come out of his office and also accepted a hug from the woman with a smile.

“Fox, this my boyfriend Barry.” Len introduced them. “Barry, this is Ghost Fox Goddess.”

Barry nodded and smiled at the hacker, feeling a lot better after Len confirmed this was who he’d been expecting.

“Your boyfriend, and you haven’t told him my real name?” Fox asked.

“You know I don’t spill other people’s secrets without good reason.” Len shrugged.

“I do. And I appreciate it.”

Barry tried not to feel left out. He didn’t need to know the woman’s real name, it was true. Her full hacker name was a bit of a mouthful, but it was easily enough shortened. But the easy companionship that both Len and Mick had with her was what made Barry a little uncomfortable. The three of them were all familiar with the criminal life that Barry had never been a part of. It wasn’t the criminal part that bothered Barry, he realized. It was the part where he didn’t want to look clueless or naïve in front of Len. Especially after how much convincing it had taken to get Len to let him in on the job in the first place.

It didn’t matter, Barry told himself. Len wanted Barry for who he was. It didn’t matter how different their pasts were, or how totally inexperienced at this kind of thing Barry was. But still he couldn’t help feeling a little insecure.

This had been his choice, he reminded himself. He wanted to do this. He could handle it. No matter how out of his depth he felt. His part was just the chemicals. He knew chemicals. He would be fine. He wouldn’t let Len down.

Barry, Len, and Fox moved to the office to talk. They left Mick to cook, even though normally he would have been part of the meeting. The restaurant needed to keep running as usual to avoid suspicion from anyone the mob might have watching the place.

Barry sat next to Len behind the desk, as Len had told him to beforehand. Fox sat in front of the desk, facing them. Barry wouldn’t need to say much, if anything, in this meeting, Len had assured him. Len had the entire thing planned and had shared it with Barry beforehand. But sitting together behind the desk presented a unified front, showed how they were partners in this endeavor.

Remembering that made Barry feel better. Barry, Len, and Mick were a team for this. Fox and her group were helping, were necessary. But no matter how long they might have known Fox, Barry was the one that Len and Mick saw as in equal in this and on their side.

“You have what I asked for?” Leonard asked; all cold business now.

Barry was surprised at the shift in tone. But maybe he shouldn’t have been. He knew how seriously Len was taking this.

“ _You_ do now.” Fox answered with a smile. “Star Labs full final inventory has just been sent to your email. Check it to verify.”

Len did so, opening his email on the computer on his desk and scanning the lists. Barry looked too, noting when it confirmed all the materials he needed to clean the money. He knew Len knew it too, but neither of them showed any sign of it while Fox was there, as they’d agreed.

“So we’re even?” Fox asked.

“We are.” Len confirmed.

“Great! Now, you can tell me why you asked me to deliver that in person.”

“I have a proposal for you and Helix.” Len began, with a confident smile. “For a mutually beneficial arrangement.”

“I’m listening.” Fox raised her eyebrows in curiosity.

“I know your little hacktivist group has been itching to get into Star Labs for awhile now. Your tech can easily get passed the newer security system, but there’s some old fashioned locks and alarms that are still hack proof there.” Len continued. “I could help. On a few conditions.”

“We were under the impression you weren’t in the market to do that sort of thing anymore.” Fox responded.

“Still not on the market. That’s why I said mutually beneficial. I won’t ask for, or accept any payment. But myself, Mick, and Barry will be going with you. But afterward, this is the important bit, _we_ were never there. No one in Helix, besides yourself, ever knows that we’re anything other than a few anonymous underlings in the organization helping with the break in.

“Once inside, we part ways. No one notices anything out of the ordinary in this, if they notice us split up at all. If they ask, we’re doing something Helix-related for you. We do our thing in there, you do yours. Neither group bothers the other. Neither group asks or knows what the other is doing. We leave together when we’re both done.

“It works this way and no one owes anyone anything. We’re totally even.”

Fox stared at Len for a few moments, then turned her gaze toward Barry, as if considering the proposal. Barry tried to keep his face blank, to look confident in what they were doing. Like planning a major break in was as normal for him as it was for Len, and apparently Fox.

Len knew more than he’d said. He knew exactly why Helix wanted into Star Labs. It was an integral part of Len’s long term plan, in fact. He hadn’t told Barry the details, though. He’d said Barry didn’t need to know yet. Now staring down Fox, Barry was thankful for that. Barry wasn’t sure he could have hid that he had more information than they were letting on.

Len had also said Fox likely knew more about why Len wanted into Star Labs than she was letting on, too. But it was easier the less they admitted to each other. They were working together, Fox’s group and Len’s group, but they weren’t partners. Easier to stay out of each other’s business as much as possible. More simple to not be that deeply associated with other agendas, to focus wholly on their own.

Barry trusted Len when he said it was for the best. Since the accident, Barry had learned the value of being able to hide parts of himself from most people. As long as those people never included Len.

Soon enough, Fox agreed to their terms. Len had known she would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone less familiar with recent Arrow, Fox is this au’s version of Felicity.


	10. Chapter 10

Barry had told his mother that he was meeting Leonard and he wouldn’t be back until the next morning, at the earliest. She’d assumed it was their first real date, and Barry hadn’t corrected her. He felt guilty about it. He hated lying to her. But there was nothing else to be done.

In a way it _was_ their first real date. It would be the first time he was spending time with Len outside of their support group or Len’s café. But breaking into Star Labs with a hacktivist group and cleaning counterfeit money wasn’t exactly a romantic evening.

Barry said good night to his mom and left their house, walking briskly in the direction of Len’s café, then making a sharp turn down a side street and going in the opposite direction. He pulled on his hood and kept his head down. He was doing as Len had told him, avoiding any possible tails. They’d found no evidence the mob was following Barry, but Len wanted to be as careful as possible.

Barry reached the meeting spot, a corner several blocks from his house, and looked around. It was empty during this early evening hour when most people were having dinner. Barry took a few deep breathes and tried to calm his nerves.

Moments later, Leonard arrived, driving up on a deeply purring motorcycle and stopping directly in front of Barry. Leonard was dressed completely in black, as was Barry. Unlike Barry’s black hoodie, black jeans, and black sneakers; Leonard seemed to be wearing black leather from the neck down.

 Barry couldn’t take his eyes off Len’s long legs, encased in tight leather pants, straddling the bike. Barry licked his lips, his mouth suddenly dry. Len shifted his weight, rebalancing the bike, and moved one leg closer to Barry; Len’s sturdy looking leather boot hitting the edge of the sidewalk. Len flipped up the visor of his motorcycle helmet, revealing his piercing blue eyes, and looked Barry up and down.

“Evening cutie, looking for a ride?” Len drawled.

Barry’s stomach flipped and his mind blanked. The desire he felt for Leonard was momentarily over powering. Barry was suddenly painfully aware of how little private time they’d had together. Sure, they’d kissed and lightly made out in Len’s office. But neither of them had wanted their first time together to be on Len’s desk. So that was as far as it’d gotten. Barry was rethinking that decision now.

“I don’t know. Are you going my way?” Barry forced himself to answer, wishing he’d managed something cleverer to say.

“Get on and find out.” Len responded, gesturing to the back of the bike.

Barry didn’t waste any more time, swinging his leg over the bike and getting on behind Len. Leonard handed him another helmet and Barry put it on, Len making sure he was ready before taking off.

With his arms tightly wound around Len’s waist, they sped through the streets. Barry hadn’t wanted to admit he’d never actually ridden a motorcycle before. He was finding he loved it. The speed, the air blowing by, being that close to Leonard.

Barry really, really wished this was a real date. But if everything went as planned, those would come soon afterward. Barry would be sure to mention he’d like to include a longer motorcycle ride in their dating plans. One without breaking and entering plans afterward.

Almost too soon, it was over. Len slowed and stopped the bike on another nondescript street corner. This one was about a block away from Star Labs. Mick was there, waiting for them with a small van. Inside, Barry knew, was the money they needed to clean and other supplies.

The circumvent route of Barry walking to meet Len, them taking the bike to meet Mick, then the three of them taking the van to meet Helix, was all a part of the plan. Leaving the bike there, within walking distance, would leave them another getaway, if needed.

Barry and Len sat in the back of the van as Mick drove them toward where they were meeting Helix. He took another roundabout route that took them further way from Star Labs rather than closer.

Len handed Barry a black ski mask and black tinted goggles. Barry blinked at the goggles in confusion, but didn’t protest. Len had a pair, too.

“Don’t take those off in front of anyone besides me and Mick.” Len cautioned. “Your eyes are distinctive. We don’t want Helix able to identify you that way.”

Barry winced, realizing what Len meant. One of Barry’s eyes was clear and green, healthy. The other was forever damaged and foggy. The ski mask would cover Barry’s scarred face, but not his eyes. He wouldn’t have thought of the precaution of hiding his mismatched eyes, but Len had.

Leonard reached over and squeezed Barry’s knee. He didn’t apologize for insisting on the goggles and Barry didn’t blame him. But it was still a painful reminder of how Barry would never be normal again. And they were going to the exact place that was responsible for that.

“Do not get separated from us, no matter what.” Len reminded him. “Keep either me or Mick within sight at all times. Do not trust anyone in Helix, even Fox. She’s not a bad person, but her priority will be Helix’s mission above all else.”

Barry nodded, he knew this. But hearing Len go over it again helped calm him down some.

“These are our comms.” Len handed Barry an earwig, then another. “This is Helix’s. Don’t get them confused. Ours will be on radio silence unless something goes wrong. But if we do somehow get separated, do not hesitate to call us on it.”

Barry nodded again, swallowing hard. The reality of what they were doing was sinking in.

“Barry, I’m going to do everything I can to make this go smoothly.” Len’s tone softened. “I know you trust me. Remember that I trust you too. It might not feel like it, with how long I took to agree to bring you along. But I have faith in you. You’re smart and strong. You can handle this. So have faith in yourself.”

That made Barry smile and he took a deep breath. He didn’t regret insisting he be a part of this. He wanted to do this. He _would_ do this.

Things moved fast after that. They put their ski masks on, Barry made sure his goggles were firmly in place. Their van parked near Helix’s three and there was hurried confirmation of plans. Then they followed Helix’s vans to Star Labs.

When they got there, dozens of people dressed similarly piled out of the other vans. Not everyone was masked, but enough were. Everyone wore black. Barry was momentarily worried about losing Len and Mick among the crowd. But Len kept him close, putting a hand on his elbow as they all moved toward the entrance. Barry was distracted and pumped with adrenaline enough that he could manage to ignore where they were; that the last time he’d been here was when the accelerator blew. For now.

The three of them hung back for the first part, which was all Helix. Barry belatedly recognized Fox, as the woman tapped away at a tablet for a few moments until the main doors unlocked with an audible whoosh. That got them into the main lobby, which most of the people hurried inside to, leaving just a pair to keep lookout at the doors.

Leonard shined next. Barry hadn’t considered lock picking something that could be graceful, but with Len’s hands and skills it somehow was. His leather gloved hands deftly moved the steel picks while Barry watched. It was eerily quiet as he worked, everyone knowing to be silent so Len could listen to the inner workings of the lock for telltale clicks. Before long he had it open, stepping back and letting Fox lead the way inside.

The Helix members followed her quickly; eager to go do whatever they were there for. It was easy enough for Barry, Len, and Mick to hang back and then slip away from them unseen. Now it was Barry’s turn to take the lead and he quickly turned a corner to get them headed in the right direction. Back to the lab that he’d last left unconscious on a stretcher.

He’d walked down this hall every morning for so long. Barry remembered clearly how this hall had looked the last time he had walked down it, the last time he’d come to work there, the last morning that his face was whole and unblemished. All the lights had been on, everything cheery and bright. People coming and going, talking excitedly to each other about their latest discoveries. All the rooms filled with life, people working away at one project or another. Star Labs had seemed filled with endless possibility.

But now the corridors were dark and filled with random debris left behind when everyone fled the facility. Darker still, as seen from behind the tinted goggles Barry wore. Barry, Len, and Mick carried flashlights that reflected off the walls and ceilings and made odd patterns. Their footsteps echoed in the empty hall as they passed empty room after empty room, all in disarray, all work abandoned and never to be restarted. Saying it was eerie was an understatement.

Thankfully it wasn’t very long before they’d reached their destination; the room that Barry had worked in every day for so long. Despite how familiar it was, it seemed almost like something from another life. One he thought he’d never revisit.

The three men entered the room, flicking on the lights and turning off their flashlights. Helix had thoughtfully hacked into the electric company to arrange the power being turned back on for the night. Though they would only use what was needed, to keep anyone from noticing.

Mick took up station near the door to keep watch into the hall, as Len and Barry hustled inside. Barry pushed aside thoughts of the last time, and all the times, he’d spent in this lab. He had a job to do and he needed to focus on that. They were on a tight time schedule.

After getting the ok to do so from Len, Barry pulled off the goggles and ski mask. They’d just be a distraction while he worked, and Mick would warn them if anyone was coming in time to put them back on.

Len pulled down his own goggles and let them hang around his neck, but kept his ski mask on. Barry was glad to see those eyes watching him. The familiar cool gaze of them reassured him, even if he couldn’t read Len’s expression.

Barry tore his eyes away from Len and started scanning the shelves for the chemicals he’d need to get started. It was only a few seconds later that Barry’s eyes landed on an overturned container on a high shelf. His eyes stopped. He couldn’t stop looking at it. Everything else faded away.

_They were watching the news about the particle accelerator being turned on from a little TV in their lab…inside the lab that was turning on the particle accelerator. It was sort of funny, putting it like that. But none of the chemical engineers that shared the use of that room were involved in work important enough in relation to the accelerator to be closer to the action._

_It made sense; there wasn’t enough room near the actual accelerator for people that didn’t have anything to actually do during the activation. But still, Barry admitted to being a bit disappointed. He consoled himself that he was still a part of it, even just a small contribution._

_The TV news got a shot of the crowd outside and Barry saw his dad among the people gathered there. He knew his mom was sick at home, but he was grateful his dad had come. They’d talk about it all later, when Barry got off work afterward. His dad’s eyes always seemed to twinkle with pride when Barry went on about the accelerator, even if it wasn’t really the kind of science his dad was most interested in._

That was the last time he’d seen his dad alive, a distant part of Barry realized; on a little TV screen.

_The Accelerator was turned on and there were a few moments of celebration. But soon that turned to fear. Soon they knew, as did everyone else, that something was very wrong. They only had a few seconds of fear before it got worse. The whole place shook, violently._

_Barry got up from where he was sitting, tried to move toward the door, and got knocked toward a shelf filled with containers of various chemicals. One had fallen over, was open. He had a brief heartbeat to wonder how. The explosion somehow popped it open? He knew no one there would’ve been so careless to leave it open._

_Then he saw the acid spill out and come toward him like it was in slow motion. He reflexively turned his face away, but it wasn’t enough._

_The pain had been worse than anything Barry had ever felt before. Half his face felt like it was on fire. He’d closed his eyes, but it’d still gotten in the one. He…_

“Barry! Barry!!”

Someone was shaking him, but Barry kept his eyes tightly shut. If he opened them, there’d be more damage. He…

“Barry! Barry, look at me, _please_! I need you here, now!”

That voice, saying he _needed_ him….who? Leonard!!

Barry snapped his eyes open as he recognized Len’s voice, finally. His mind abruptly crashed back to the present.

Len was shaking him…no, _Barry_ was shaking and Len was holding his shoulders tightly. Len had taken off his mask so Barry could see his face. A look of deep concern gazed back at him. Barry suddenly felt horribly guilty as he realized what had happened.

“Fuck…Len…I…I’m so sorry! I…”

“You don’t need to be sorry, Barry. You just need to be alright!” Len hissed, obviously deeply worried.

Barry nodded, pulling himself together. He gripped Len’s arms and used that connection to anchor himself to the present.

“I’m ok. I’ll be ok.” Barry amended. “Just…fuck…the…the container is still there. They just…they just left it right there!”

Len followed Barry’s gaze. Barry couldn’t stop looking at that container lying on its side. It was empty now. Anything left in it would have dried out a long time ago. But the evidence of its spill would be forever stamped on Barry’s face.

He knew everyone had left in a hurry. He knew no one had been back since, besides police investigators briefly. No one would have had any reason to clean anything up. But still, he hadn’t expected it to still just be lying there.

Len swore, let go of Barry, and moved toward the container.

“Be careful!” Barry hissed.

Len stopped, looked around, and found some gloves. He lifted them up and turned toward Barry, asking with the gesture if they were enough.

“Just…can you…put goggles on too? Not the, not the ones we wore in. One of those there.” Barry pointed to the safety goggles left on the counter.

Len nodded and obeyed.

Barry was being unreasonable, he knew. The hydroiodic acid that’d burned him was gone, even if the container was still there. But he couldn’t stand the thought of Len getting hurt the same way he had, no matter how slim the chance.

Len picked up the container and angrily threw it away in a nearby garbage can. Once it was out of sight, Barry breathed a sigh of relief. Such a small thing shouldn’t have made such a difference, Barry thought, but somehow it did.

Leonard moved back near Barry and looked at him intently.

“I wish we had time, but we don’t. If you can’t do this, go stand in the doorway with Mick and tell me what to do.”

Barry winced at the harsh tone, but it was nothing but the truth.

“I’m sorry.” Len amended. “I wish…”

“No, no!” Barry cut him off before he could say he wished he hadn’t brought Barry. “I can do this!”

“I wish we had more time.” Len corrected, as if he knew what Barry had been thinking. “I don’t doubt you could do this, given time. Your courage and intelligence is not in question.

“And Barry, I _always_ want you by my side, no matter what we’re doing. I just don’t want you hurting when I can help. I can take direction well. You don’t have to be the one to do this.”

Barry took a deep breath and shook his head. He appreciated what Len was saying, but he needed to be the one to do this.

“No. It’s faster if I do it.” Barry said firmly; glad his voice didn’t shake. “At least give me one more chance to do it, then we’ll do it your way.”

Len agreed and stepped back, but not before Barry gave him a brief peck on the lips.

“Thanks for understanding how messed up I am.” Barry smiled quickly, still feeling guilty and self deprecating.

“You never need to thank me for that. Sometime I’ll tell you what it was like for me to return to my old room, at my old man’s house, after he was finally gone. How much I relived in that moment; both good memories and terrible ones.

“You are no more messed up than I am, Barry. I _get_ it. I just wish we had more time.” Len repeated.

Barry nodded, choked up, and pushed his feelings down. He needed to work. If he could do this, if he succeeded, it would mean so much. Not just what it’d accomplish with the money, but for his own self confidence. He got to it with renewed determination.


	11. Chapter 11

Despite his initial issues, once Barry got to work and focused on the chemistry itself, he managed a lot better. He succeeded in synthesizing a chemical that worked to detach the metallic copper from the fibers of the money, as he’d planned

There had been no accidents or incidences of any kind. Len had indulgingly worn safety goggles the entire time, even though he was only watching as Barry worked. Mick had kept watch in the hallway and listened to Helix on the comms. No one had disturbed them or seemed to notice they weren’t with the others.

Barry got together everything he needed from the lab onto a rolling cart, ready to move to the nearby room with the largest centrifuge Star Labs had. He put his ski mask and shaded goggles back on, as did Len. He even agreed to let Len push the cart while Barry led the way and Mick guarded Len’s back.

Barry turned out the lights as they left the room he’d spent so much time in, that he’d felt so much pain in, that had changed so much for him. It was therapeutic, he thought. It felt like he was closing a chapter in his life this way, on his terms. Not being forced out by anything, like before.

It was an uneventful trip down the hall, thankfully. Mick again kept watch in the hall. In the centrifuge room, Len and Barry unmasked and set to work. They unloaded the tagged money they’d brought in their backpacks, put the bills into test tubes, put the solution Barry had made in on top of them, then loaded the tubes into the centrifuge. Barry then turned the centrifuge on and stepped back while it did its job.

Barry took a deep breath and closed his eyes. They were far from done, but he felt like the worst was over. He hoped so, anyway.

Before Barry’s mind could wander, he felt Len appear next to him. Then the distinct feeling of Len’s hand cupping his ass. Barry’s stomach flipped and he let himself smirk, knowing exactly what Len was doing.

“I’m ok, don’t worry.” Barry opened his eyes and met Len’s blue ones. “But don’t let that stop you.”

He was rewarded with Len smirking back at him, and squeezing his ass. Barry blushed, and as he usually did when blood rushed to his face, thought about how it would never look the same as it used to. But he dismissed that thought more easily than he ever had before. He knew Len didn’t care that Barry’s blush only showed properly on half his face.

For the first time, Barry thought that eventually he might not care anymore either. Not yet, maybe not soon, but eventually. Eventually he might be able to blush and his mind might not immediately turn toward his scars. For the first time since the accident, there at Star Labs itself, Barry truly believed someday maybe he could be comfortable with himself again. It wouldn’t be an easy road, but Barry thought he might just make it.

When the centrifuge finished, Barry took out the first test tube and saw with satisfaction the concentration of copper at the bottom. They took the bills out, and then put them in water to test. They waited and watched…and the water remained clear.

If Barry let out an embarrassingly loud cheer in triumph, to be cut off by Len kissing him…well, only Mick was there to know, and he wasn’t going to say anything.

\---------------------------------------------

They finished in time, though it was close. Just as they were packing up the last of the newly clean money into their backpacks, Fox was on Helix’s comms announcing all their groups were done and everyone was to head out together. Apparently Helix had split up too, which just made their job easier.

As they’d hoped, the three of them easily enough blended back into the crowd of black clad hacktivists on the way out. Fox saw them and nodded in their direction, just like the rest of her groups. If anyone else was watching, or if security cameras outside caught them, they’d just look like more unidentifiable Helix followers. Exactly as planned.

They piled into their van; Mick again driving, with Len and Barry in the back. They were heading to a safe house that Len and Mick had to drop off some of the money. Then another for another money drop. Later, Len and Mick would go back and pick up the money, not hiding that action. They could claim it’d been there since before their job for the mob. If the mob suspected anything, they couldn’t prove it with the money clean.

After the safe house drops, if there was no police activity around, they’d go back to pick up Len’s motorcycle. Then they’d part ways, Mick going to his own place, while Len took Barry to Len’s apartment. Barry was admittedly excited to see where Len lived.

But it was a long series of trips before that, and Barry suddenly felt exhausted. It was the adrenaline crash, he knew. He ought to fight it and stay awake to help with the unloading. But his head felt so heavy and Len’s shoulder looked so inviting, he’d just rest his head on him for a minute.

\----------------------------------

Barry shifted in his sleep, not wanting to wake up, when he realized there was something heavy on his chest, and it was…vibrating? He jolted awake and winced at a resounding yowl from the ground. He looked around at what seemed to be a living room. He was on a couch, with a TV across from him, and a rather displeased looking cat hissing at him from the floor. It was large, white, and fluffy. Barry could only assume it’d been sleeping on him and he’d knocked it off when he sat up.

“Barry, meet Snowball. She met you already and decided you make a fine bed. She’s a great guard cat. Doesn’t appreciate being woken up and yowls at anything that disturbs her.”

Leonard walked into the room, looking invitingly sleep rumpled and soft in loose grey sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt. Barry just blinked at him.

“You have a cat named Snowball.”

“I do.”

“I don’t even know what to do with that information.”

Len snorted in amusement.

“You can go back to sleep, Barry. It’s barely 6am.”

“I don’t know if I can now.” Barry yawned. “I’m in your apartment.”

“You are. And apparently you state the obvious a lot when you’re half asleep.” Len commented, not unkindly.

“Did we…did we, get away? I mean, obviously we did, because this is your apartment and not jail. But…did everything go ok? How did I sleep through it all?”

“You crashed pretty hard and neither Mick or I had the heart to wake you.” Len admitted. “But everything went fine. The money is where it should be. We got my bike back. No problems.”

“That’s good.” Barry sighed in relief.

Barry’s stomach decided this was the opportune moment to remind him he hadn’t eaten since lunch the previous day. He’d been way too nervous to have dinner before they went to Star Labs.

“I’m no cook, that’s Mick’s job. But I do have some leftover pizza that I can heat up, if you want.” Len offered.

“That’d be great, thanks.” Barry nodded, then belatedly added, “Unless you want to go back to sleep? I can do it myself. I’m sorry I woke you.”

“No, it’s fine. I want to catch the morning news anyway.” Len answered.

Now slightly more awake, Barry noticed a few details he’d missed. He’d never been a morning person.

“I…seem to be wearing less clothing than I was last night.” He commented wryly.

“You seem to be back to stating the obvious.” Len countered.

Barry had his t-shirt and boxer briefs on, and a blanket that must have been Len’s in his lap draped over his legs. His pants were nowhere in sight.

“I’m fairly certain I was still wearing jeans when we left Star Labs.” Barry narrowed his eyes at Len, his mind still a bit groggy.

“I’m fairly certain I had a challenge you issued to fulfill.” Len responded.

Len was watching him carefully, behind the teasing, Barry realized. Len was making sure Barry wasn’t actually upset or uncomfortable. Barry knew Len wouldn’t have taken advantage of him. If he’d wanted to, Len could have initiated something any one of those times they’d been alone in his office. Barry wouldn’t have been difficult to convince, despite their mutual agreement to wait for a better opportunity.

Then it clicked in Barry’s memory. He burst out laughing. Len relaxed and smirked, turning toward the kitchen visible through a doorway, to get the pizza.

“Stealing my pants off me while I was _asleep_ hardly counts!” Barry taunted after him, referring to their earlier flirting Len had followed through with.

“Give me time, Barry! Truly great heists have to be practiced and worked up to over time to go off perfectly!”

Barry laughed more until Len returned with the pizza. He dug in while Len put on the TV to the news, sitting down next to Barry on the couch. Barry didn’t pay much attention to the TV as they went through the usual news about the weather and traffic. He was much more interested in Len’s apartment.

Much like Len’s office, the décor was clean and simple for the most part, but with more personal touches. Around on tabletops were photos of Len and Lisa as little kids, Len and Mick as teenagers, even a few of Snowball as a kitten; who did seem to fit her name perfectly at that age.

There was a hockey player bobble-head figure nearby, though Barry didn’t know enough to identify the player. There was a framed hockey jersey on the wall too, which seemed to be autographed. But again, Barry’s hockey knowledge was way too basic to know whose it was.

There was a painting on the wall that seemed to be an abstract work, from what Barry could tell, one side mostly white and blue; the other red and black. He didn’t know much about art, but he’d take a closer look at it later. Also on the wall was a large landscape photograph of a snow covered field. That one made more sense to Barry and seemed to fit Len.

Suddenly Barry heard something on the TV that had his attention snapped back abruptly to the news. Len squeezed his knee reassuringly.

“It’s ok, Barry. This is what I’ve been expecting.”

“Our top news story of the morning: Star Labs was broken into last night. The hacker group Helix has come forward to take credit.” Announced the entirely too perky newscaster. “They’ve sent the media a manifesto detailing their agenda. They claim humanitarian reasons, sighting the amount of technology and research going to waste at the now abandoned labs.

“They claim they hacked into all of Star Labs studies that remained on the network there and not uploaded anywhere else. They say they will be releasing some of this publically on the internet within the next week. They say all the technology they stole will be used for worthy causes or donated.

“Harrison Wells, the founder of Star Labs, was not available for comment. He has been out of the public eye since the particle accelerator explosion and his whereabouts remain unknown.

“For more, we go now live to our…”

Barry stopped listening and turned to Len. His boyfriend’s calm demeanor was the only thing that kept Barry from panicking.

“You expected this? I thought the idea was for this to remain a secret!”

“Our involvement was, and still is.” Len explained. “But I knew from the beginning that it was highly likely Helix planned to come forward and take credit. It’s exactly the kind of big ticket act they want to be known for.

“But that’s exactly why it’s good for us. With them taking credit, there will be even less reason to suspect us. Helix doesn’t need to hire help, as far as anyone knows. If anyone saw Fox at the café, it doesn’t matter. Her connection to Helix is as well hidden as any.”

Barry nodded, relaxing. It made sense and he trusted Len’s judgment. Now that he’d eaten and gotten comfortable in his surroundings, exhaustion was hitting him again. He’d only gotten maybe three or four hours of sleep. Len had to have gotten a lot less.

Barry yawned, wanting nothing more than to curl up with Len and sleep, but he knew that wasn’t possible.

“How long until you have to go to the café?” Barry asked.

“Soon.” Len answered.

Since it was Sunday, the café closed early, but they did get a decent breakfast crowd. Barry knew Len had to be there. Now that the money was clean, Len said he would hire more staff for the restaurant soon. He could take more time off then. But for now, he needed to be there as much to keep up appearances everything was normal, as to run the restaurant.

“I guess I should head home then.” Barry yawned again immediately following his words.

“If you want.” Len hesitated before continuing, looking a little nervous, “Or you can stay here. Sleep. I should be back right after we close this afternoon.”

A thrill shot through Barry at the offer. He’d nearly forgotten that now that the money was clean, they didn’t have to hide their relationship any longer. Even if the mob suspected they’d cleaned the money, which they shouldn’t, they would have no proof. And with no proof, they were honorable enough not to act.

“I can bring something back for a late lunch and we can hang out here.” Len continued, wincing, “I…I’ll probably crash soon after, though. It’s not...that’s not much to stay for….If you want to go home, I can drop you off on my way now, I…”

Barry had waited too long to answer Len, he realized. As confident as Len often appeared, Barry knew how much of that was an act. Len was obviously feeling insecure about what he’d just offered Barry.

“Hey, no, hey! I’d absolutely love to stay! Are you kidding?! A lunch with you, in your apartment?! That sounds so perfect!” Barry hurried to assure him. “And I totally don’t care if you fall asleep on me afterward. Would make us even for me passing out on you in the van, in fact.”

“If you wake up before I get home, you might get bored.” Len countered, clearly still feeling insecure.

“If I get that bored, I’ll go home and send you a text to let you know.” Barry promised. “But I don’t think that’s likely. I’ll probably sleep the whole time. And if not, I can spend some quality time getting to know Snowball. And finding my pants.”

Len snorted at the reminder of his pants theft, as Barry had hoped. Barry grinned back widely at him.

“My pants _are_ somewhere here in the apartment, right?” Barry asked to be sure, his eyes narrowing.

“They are.” Len confirmed with a smirk. “Though no where obvious.”

Barry nodded; glad Len seemed to be getting more comfortable again. But then Len tensed again.

“If you do end up going through my apartment…which, yes, was part of the plan of my hiding your pants…but it wasn’t one of my better thought through plans….there are guns here. One in the stand by the door, two in boxes under this couch, one in each nightstand on each side of my bed, one in the bathroom under the sink, one in the kitchen under the counter, one behind each frame on the wall.”

Barry just blinked at this string of information. He wasn’t surprised Len kept guns, nor was he against it. The sheer number, and the way Len rattled off their locations to Barry, was what surprised him.

“I’m guessing you don’t have any experience with guns, so just leave them alone.” Len continued. “Anything else you find shouldn’t hurt.”

Barry was struck then by just how much _trust_ Len was placing in Barry to let him stay alone in this apartment. It was touching and it meant a lot to Barry.

“Ok, got it.” Barry took the information seriously, as it warranted. “Anything else?”

“Hmm…” Len considered. “Snowball has eaten, no matter how much she might try to convince you she hasn’t. If anyone knocks on the door, do not answer it, and call me immediately if they don’t go away. My neighbors do sometimes come by for one reason or another, but they know my usual work schedule. And Lisa drops in randomly, but she has a key, and you both know each other.”

Barry nodded as Len finished. He waited a few moments to see if Len would add anything, then moved in to kiss him. Len seemed surprised, but quickly got with the program.

Len managed to disentangle himself from Barry in time to get dressed for work and head out without being late. But it was a close thing.

Barry couldn’t say he was sorry, as he waved. He then lay back on the couch to sleep, with the taste of Len in his mouth, and the smell of Len surrounding him.


	12. Chapter 12

Smell woke Barry up; the smell of fresh coffee and food. He awoke slowly, so he remembered where he was and what the purring weight on his chest was. He eyed Snowball, wondering how best to suggest to the cat it was time to get up. In the end, he gently lifted her off and put her on the couch. She yowled in annoyance anyway, but didn’t seem to hold a grudge afterward and settled back down to sleep.

The food was great, as always, thanks to Mick. Barry felt energized, but Len seemed half asleep on his feet. He’d barely spoken since he got back. He didn’t seem upset or worried, though. He said everything went fine at the café; no signs of trouble. He gave Barry small fond smiles and looks every so often. But it was obvious he needed to sleep.

When they finished eating, Barry wondered if he should head home. He didn’t want to, but he didn’t want his presence there keeping Len from the sleep he needed. In the end, he couldn’t pass up the opportunity to cuddle Len, and the two of them agreed to watch TV for awhile. Len lasted maybe five minutes before he was out, snoring ever so slightly against Barry’s shoulder.

It was great, for awhile. Barry loved being this close to Len, just watching him sleep, being presented with this much evidence just how comfortable Len was around Barry, how much he trusted him. But no matter how much of a romantic Barry was, there was only so long he could sit motionless while Len slept on him, when Barry was wide awake and not even remotely sleepy anymore.

Barry flipped through channels for awhile, but nothing was appealing. He thought he could manage to move without waking Len, as deep asleep as the other man appeared to be. But if he did, what then? He still didn’t want to leave.

As fun as snooping around the apartment looking for his hidden pants might be, it would also be loud. He didn’t want to wake Len. And even with Len’s permission, it felt a bit like an invasion of privacy going through his things while he slept.

Then an idea hit him. It would take some help, but it seemed like it could be perfect if it worked out.

Barry slowly, gently, squirmed out from underneath Len and guided him to lie down on the couch. Barry repositioned the blanket to cover Len. He took another few moments to just watch him sleep, then sat down in a nearby chair and picked up his cell phone. At least Len had been thoughtful enough to not hide that with Barry’s pants, but left it out in plain sight for him.

Barry considered who to text first. His mom would almost certainly agree. Mick might be busy, or asleep, though. So Barry started with him.

\-----------------------------------

About an hour later, Barry’s phone vibrated with a new message letting him know Mick was on his way up. Barry smiled and went to the door to let him in.

“I would’ve thought you had a key to Len’s apartment.” Barry whispered to Mick in the doorway, to not wake up Len.

“I do.” Mick grumped, “What I need is an extra pair of hands for opening the door while I’m carrying all this stuff.”

“Oh, yeah, sorry.”

Barry took the bags from Mick with a smile, setting them near the door. Mick raised his eyebrows at him, obviously having noted the state of undress Barry was in.

“Uhm…Len stole my pants.” Barry admitted sheepishly.

“And you didn’t steal a pair of his to wear in return, because…?”

“Oh, uhm, yeah, that’s a good idea, actually! Thanks Mick!”

Mick rolled his eyes. But when he spoke again, it was in a serious tone.

“Not a problem, kid. ‘Specially after what you did for us last night. You ever need anything, whether it’s for Lenny or not, you tell me, you got that?”

“Sure Mick.” Barry smiled wider. “Thanks again.”

Mick only grunted in response that time and then headed out. Barry locked the door behind him and picked up the supplies to get started.

\--------------------------------------------------------

“This is definitely not what I expected to wake up to.”

Barry jumped at the sound of Len’s voice and turned around sheepishly.

“I…uh…sor…”

Len started kissing him before he could finish apologizing.

“That was not a complaint, Barry. Just an observation.”

Barry was standing in Len’s kitchen, wearing the grey sweat pants that Len had had on earlier that morning and left on his bed. On the counter were two dozen sugar cookies, heart shaped, decorated with blue and white icing. They weren’t perfect, but Barry thought he’d done a fairly good job baking and decorating them while Len slept.

“It’s…they’re…dumb and sappy. But I just…wanted to.” Barry hadn’t been embarrassed about it a moment ago, but somehow suddenly confronted by Len, he was.

“It’s not dumb, Barry. It’s incredibly sweet and I’m touched. Really. Thank you.” Len kissed him again, then added, “I am curious how you managed, when I know for a fact none of what’s needed for them was in this apartment when I went to sleep. And there’s no stores nearby that’re open on Sunday evenings and have everything for this.”

“I borrowed the supplies from my mom. She sent the ingredients too. Mick picked them up at our house and dropped them off here.”

Len blinked at him, and then shook his head in apparent amazement.

“Well, at least my oven works. I wouldn’t have bet on that.”

“I just…was bored and didn’t want to leave, so…”

Barry felt like he needed to apologize, even after Len had said he didn’t. It had seemed like a perfectly rational thing to do at the time, but now he just felt kind of ridiculous.

“You don’t need to explain, Barry. You know I like sweets.” Len smiled. “Waking up to the smell of cookies baking, and then finding you here; in my apartment, wearing my clothes…there is nothing in this scenario that doesn’t make me happy.”

Barry tried to hide how much those words affected him by shoving a cookie in Len’s mouth. It wasn’t entirely successful. But Barry didn’t really mind.

\-------------------------------------------------

They spent the rest of the evening relaxing around Len’s apartment. They ate cookies, ordered Chinese food, watched TV, and generally enjoyed being near each other in a more comfortable setting than Len’s office.

Sitting near each other while watching TV, turned to holding each other while pretending to pay attention to a show they’d both lost track of, turned to kissing and increasingly intimate touches while they forgot the TV existed.

Barry began to rethink not looking for his jeans when he realized the sweatpants he wore would do little to hide his growing interest in the direction this was headed. But he didn’t really regret it. Wearing clothing that Len had so recently worn was its own pleasant thrill.

“Barry…”

Len began talking, pulling back. Barry let him go with some difficulty, trying to get his brain back to functioning enough to listen.

“If you…want to wait, this is a good time to stop.” Len offered, cautiously.

“Why would I want to wait? Haven’t we waited long enough?” Barry was genuinely baffled.

“We still haven’t had a real date.” Len reminded him. “I don’t…I don’t need that first. It’s not that important to me. It’s not going to change how I feel about you at all.

“But, at the same time, I understand if that’s important to you. And I very much do want to wine and dine you; take you to the movies, or museum, or where ever you want. I _will_ do that, regardless.

“I’m very much ready to take you to bed and do much more than sleep, if you are. But I don’t want to rush you. I can wait.” Len finished; his eyes on Barry’s face, watching for a reaction.

“I want to do all that, too. The proper dates and all.” Barry answered, firmly. “But no. I don’t want to wait. I want you. If you want me too, then there’s no reason to wait any longer.”

Len’s wide grin was answer enough.

\------------------------------------------------

Eventually they made their way to Len’s bedroom. More like Len gently pushed Barry in that direction while Barry resolutely refused to stop kissing Len or turn around. Which resulted in Barry falling backward onto the bed and Len smirking down at him. Barry was very ok with this development.

Barry quickly took off his shirt and pants, not caring where they landed. He kept his boxers on for the moment, pausing to watch as Len unzipped and stepped out of his own pants. Len’s hands were on the hem of his shirt, starting to pull it up…and then he stopped, frozen.

Barry swallowed hard and silently cursed himself for forgetting. He actually hadn’t thought about his own scars all evening. That was wonderful. But Len’s scars, that Barry had never seen…Barry should not have forgotten this would likely be an issue for Len. Barry should have been ready to help him with this, not distracted by his own desire.

“Len…Leonard…” Barry started, trying to get Len focused on him, “You don’t have to take it off, if you don’t want to. You can leave your shirt on. It’s fine. I understand.”

“I _want_ to, Barry. I _want_ to!” Len responded; his voice strangled. “But I…I just…I _know_ you understand! I _know_ you’re not going to judge me. I _know_ you’re not going to think less of me. You, of _all_ people, I _know_! But I _still_ …”

“It doesn’t work like that.” Barry gently reminded him. “We both know that. These kinds of feelings; they’re not rational. They don’t listen to logic. Don’t beat yourself up because you can’t control them.

“Take your time. It’s your decision. I’m here to support you with whatever you choose.”   

“I…I don’t deserve you, Barry.”

Len hung his head, defeated, his hands shaking still clenched in his shirt.

“No, fuck no! That is _not_ what I meant!! That is _not_ the choice you get to make!”

Barry leapt off the bed. He wrapped his arms around Len, slowly so he wasn’t startled, but firmly. Barry was resolute.

He should have expected this. He should have been more reassuring from the start. Barry understood Len’s issues. They’d been in group together long enough for that.

It wasn’t how Len looked without a shirt, exactly, that was the main issue. He had a lot of scars, Barry knew. But none that were to the covering extent of Barry’s own, or Mick’s. It wasn’t how Len’s scars looked, as much as what they represented to him.

Each scar on Leonard’s body was a time his father had beat him; a time his father had deemed him a failure, needing a lesson, not being _good enough_. Never good enough, no matter what he did. Each mark represented a time that Len had been deemed worthless by the very man that ought to have loved him unconditionally.

Each mark, to Len, branded him a failure, never good enough. Someone else seeing them, to Len, was seeing clear evidence of how Len could never measure up.

Len knew better than that now; he did. He knew none of what his father had said about him was true. But being told he was worthless; so many times, from such a young age; by his own father…of course it still affected him.

“I want you. You are more than good enough for me, Leonard. You are _amazing_! I can’t even explain to you how important you are to me. You make me happy in a way that no one ever has, before _or_ after the accident. You mean _everything_ to me, Len. You are more than good enough.” Barry repeated with confidence. “You don’t get to decide you’re not, because I’ve already made my decision. You can take your shirt off, or leave it on. It won’t change how I feel about you. It won’t change how much I want you. It won’t change how good I know you are for me.”

Len swallowed hard and tears streamed down his face. He hugged Barry harder.

“I’ve ruined the mood.”

“We can get it back, if you want. We’ve got all night.” Barry offered. “Or we could wait, if you’d rather just sleep. I want you, but I can wait. Like you said before.”

“I want you. Now. Tonight.” Len confirmed. “I just…just…would you do it?”

Len gestured to his shirt and pulling it up; asking Barry to be the one to do it for him.

“Of course. If that’s what you want.”

Barry waited a beat to be sure, and Len nodded.

Barry took hold of the hem of Len’s shirt and slowed pulled it up, over Len’s head, and off. It joined Barry’s discarded clothes on the floor.

Barry stopped and just looked for a moment. Len’s torso was dotted with marks, some small, some large. Some were jagged, some were straight lines. Some Barry could guess what caused them, some he had no clue.

But in that moment, regardless, Barry suddenly knew what to do. He followed his instinct and hoped it wouldn’t steer him wrong.

Barry picked a scar at random; what looked like a burn mark on Len’s shoulder, and he kissed it.

“You’re good, Leonard.”

Barry picked another; a jagged line inches away from the first, down Len’s arm. He kissed it.

“You’re _so_ good, Leonard.”

Barry found another scar. He kissed it, too.

“You’re smart, Len.”

Another scar, another kiss.

“You’re loyal.”

And another, and another.

“You’re strong.”

Again, and again.

“You’re brave.”

Len was shaking, silently crying, but didn’t speak or move to stop Barry.

Barry kept going, following Len’s scars around his arms, chest, stomach, and back. Each one he kissed, and each time he complimented Len. It was a small repayment, in Barry’s opinion, for all the times Len had kissed Barry’s scars so tenderly.

Barry knew he couldn’t completely erase the damage Len’s father had done to Len’s self worth, any more than the kisses made the scars disappear. But he hoped it helped, even just a little. He would do it every day, happily, if it might.

Eventually Barry finished following Len’s scars around his body. He returned to Len’s lips and the two kissed passionately.

“You’re amazing, Barry.”

“So are you, Leonard.”

When they moved, as one, back toward the bed, it was much more slowly than before. Their movements were more deliberate than desperate, but no less filled with mutual desire.

It was better this way, Barry thought. This had been difficult, getting to this point, for both of them. But it only made it more worthwhile in the end. They both understood each other better than they would have otherwise. Barry wouldn’t have changed any of it, he thought.

And then he didn’t think of anything beside how Len’s body felt against his own, for quite awhile.


	13. Chapter 13

It had been nearly a month since their break in to Star Labs and everything seemed to be going well. Len and Mick had picked up some of the cleaned money from one of their safe houses over a week ago and had been using it with no ill effects. The mob’s presence watching them had lessened. They seemed to have bought that they’d had another hidden stash from long before the factory burning job.

Len had tried to give Barry what Len deemed his cut of the money, due to Barry’s help with cleaning it. Barry had flat out refused at first, but Len wasn’t to be dissuaded from what he thought was only fair. Barry argued he had nowhere to stash the money, as depositing a big sum into the bank with no explanation would raise flags. So Leonard conceded to hold onto it for him and give him a little at a time to use.

Barry accepted, and then proceeded to use the money to buy food at the café. Len narrowed his eyes at him; clearly knowing what he was doing. But he didn’t protest, so Barry counted it as a win for now.

It was Friday night and Barry was at the café, waiting for Len to finish up some paperwork in back. The restaurant was already closed to customers, so Barry was helping Magenta clean up the tables for the night. The three of them were the only ones at the café. Mick had left earlier after the last food order had been filled.

Barry liked spending time with Magenta, whose real name was Frankie, he’d learned. She was a sweet teenager who’d had a hard time, bouncing from one bad foster home to another. She’d finally gotten a good family and was thrilled they let her work part time at the café. Having her own source of income and savings gave her a feeling of security they seemed to understand. She liked being called Magenta to reflect her new beginning with that family, who had also let her dye her hair purple.

She was telling him about a band that Barry had admittedly never heard of, but sounded popular with teens her age, when the café door suddenly opened with an alarming crack. They both jumped. Barry was certain the door had been locked.

“I’m sorry, we’ve closed.” Magenta moved toward the three men entering the restaurant.

“Don’t worry honey, we’re not hungry.” The words were spoken in a gruff mocking tone.

Faster than Barry thought possible, the man had drawn a gun and was pointing it in Magenta’s face. The girl froze. Barry’s stomach dropped.

“Get away from her!”

Barry moved without thinking, running in front of Magenta, putting himself between her and the gun.

“Oh wow, hi Ugly.” The man snorted nastily. “You look even grosser up close.”

The other two men laughed as if he’d said something funny. Barry didn’t care. If they were focused on him, it meant they weren’t paying as much attention to Magenta.

He didn’t give them the satisfaction of reacting to the insult. Instead, he did his best to assume a cold, unaffected stance. He tried to react how Leonard would.

“You think you scare me? When I look like this?” He taunted. “I’ve already been through worse than you can give.”

It was poor bluff, if they knew anything about his background. But if they didn’t, maybe his scars could do him some good; be intimidating. If not, at least they’d keep paying attention to him and not Magenta.

The man smiled at him. It was a terrible smile, full of malice and threat. Rather than say anything, he cocked the gun. Barry willed his expression to remain ice.

“Go run and get your boss, Purple-girl.” The man ordered, not looking away from Barry. “Tell him to get out here, unarmed. No calling the cops. If he tries anything, Ugly here’s gonna get a bullet hole added to that mess of a face.”

Barry heard Magenta run toward the back, but he didn’t turn to look. He kept his eyes locked with the man holding the gun in his face. Behind him, the other two men leaned against the doorway, as if guarding the exit.

It felt like hours, staring down the barrel of a gun, but Barry knew it was mere moments before he heard returning footsteps.

“Adachi.” Leonard’s voice was pure ice. “You hurt him, and I will _end_ you.”

“Snart!” The man laughed, seemingly unaffected by the threat. “So it’s true then. He’s your little fucktoy. Not surprised you have a thing for freaks. But you couldn’t find one to get on his knees for you that wasn’t a _complete_ eyesore?”

Barry glanced at Len, locking eyes with him quickly and trying to communicate he was ok. He didn’t want Len doing anything rash. Len’s expression was frozen blank, but Barry could see just how furious he was. Every muscle in his body was tense and ready to spring.

“You do not want to test me, Adachi. You don’t know what I’m capable of. If your boss has a problem with me, she can come talk to me herself.”

The man ignored Len’s words and turned his gaze back toward Barry.

“Tell me, kid, does he close his eyes while he fucks you? Or does he just always do you from behind?”

Barry swallowed hard, but he was surprised at how little the words really affected him. He was confident in his relationship with Len. What this man said was disgusting and insulting, but it didn’t really matter. He would have had no power over Barry at all, if it wasn’t for the gun he was holding.

Barry looked back at Len and unsurprisingly saw his boyfriend was seething with rage. Len was struggling to still keep his face blank and clenching and unclenching his fists. But Barry saw just how furious Len was that the man dared to talk to Barry that way.

Again, Barry tried to communicate with his eyes to Len that he was ok. Len didn’t need to put himself at risk just because the man was talking shit about Barry. Barry could take it. He just needed Len, himself, and Magenta to get out of this without getting shot. Len seemed to understand and kept silent and still.

“Search him.” The man ordered one of the other two, gesturing toward Len.

Barry watched as the other man patted down Len, finding nothing. Barry knew Len had at least three guns stashed in the store. But he had come into the room unarmed because they’d told him to, to protect Barry.

A knot of guilt formed in Barry’s stomach that he was so helpless. But if it hadn’t been him, it would have been Magenta or another of Len’s employees. He just had to stay calm and wait. Len would do something. He would find a way out of this.

“Goya, stay here and watch the door. The rest of us are going to go take a walk to the safe in the back and test some money.” The apparent leader said next. “If everyone behaves, maybe everyone will make it out of here alive.”

Barry inhaled sharply as the words confirmed these men were from the Yamaguchi gang, the mob Family that suspected Len had kept the money.

The man directed Len to lead the way and Barry to follow, trailing behind him while still pointing the gun at Barry’s head. As they passed through the kitchen, Barry saw a hint of purple hair behind the cracked open door of a low cabinet. He’d hoped Magenta had gotten out the back entrance, but it seemed not. They probably had someone guarding it. Thankfully no one else seemed to notice and she stayed hidden. Though Len must have known she was there. Probably he’d directed her to hide.

In his office, Len opened the safe, without protest. The other mobster got bowls and water and started testing the money. The first man kept the gun trained on Barry.

Barry exchanged a look with Len, trying to figure out if he had a plan that Barry should try and follow. Len’s eyes bore back into his, showing his concern for Barry, but revealing nothing else.

Barry knew the money was clean. But that didn’t mean they were safe. This was exactly what Len had warned him about at the beginning. These were underlings in the mob, taking risky action on their own, hoping for reward if they were proven right. The real leadership would never have approved these tactics, from everything Len had told him.

But that just made it all the more dangerous. If they didn’t find the proof they were looking for, there was no telling what they would do. Barry’s heart was racing and he struggled to keep calm. He had to trust Len would figure a way out of this.

Suddenly there was noise from kitchen, then the backdoor to the office opened. More strangers poured in from both directions.

“Adachi! What do you think you’re doing?!” A fierce looking woman snarled as she entered and took stock of the scene. “Put that gun down right this instant!”

He obeyed, another man took it from him, and Barry breathed a sigh of relief. Len stepped closer to Barry, but he didn’t touch him, so Barry followed his lead. He tried to keep up the cool exterior that Len had. All he wanted to do was collapse in Len’s arms. But he doubted they were out of danger yet.

“Ya…Yamaguchi!” The original mobster stammered. “I…I was testing the money! It’s the counterfeit stuff they were supposed to have burned, I _know_ it is!”

“And who ordered you to do this, hmm?! No one, that’s who!” She snapped back. “We do not go into a man’s place of business and threaten his people without proper proof! Especially not when one of them is a child!!”

As if conjured there by her words, Magenta appeared in the doorway between two mobsters, clearly terrified. In different circumstances she might have protested being called a child, but she certainly wasn’t saying a word at that moment.

“Take the child outside to Mr. Rory.” The woman ordered. “Do not lay a hand on either of them! But keep them outside for now.”

Hearing Mick was nearby seemed a good sign, to Barry. Had Len somehow gotten word to him, and he to this woman? She was clearly part of the mob leadership and displeased with what her underlings had done. Barry wouldn’t be surprised if Len had managed that.

But looking at Len beside him now, Barry saw his boyfriend was still tense. The woman was making no move to let Barry and Len leave. It wasn’t over yet.

“Mr. Snart, I apologize for this unprovoked discretion against you and yours. I see the money they’ve tested once again proves your trustworthiness in this matter.” The woman addressed Len. “I assure you that Adachi was acting alone. The men that followed him did not know he was out of line. None the less, they will all be punished.

“Adachi, however, is the one truly at fault. He must be taught a lesson. It is appropriate that you be the one to teach him that lesson, since his transgression was against you and yours.”

Barry was watching Leonard, so he saw the exact moment when his jaw twitched at this pronouncement. Len was grinding his teeth together, forcing himself to remain silent and appear cold. Barry doubted anyone else could tell. But Barry saw the signs and he knew something bad was about to happen. He still wasn’t prepared for what did.

Three of the mobsters held Adachi, pushing him down onto his knees. One of them tugged Adachi’s arm; forced his hand to lay flat on Len’s desk and kept a firm grip on the man’s wrist. Adachi was begging, pleading. Barry didn’t make sense of the words.

A knife was brought from the kitchen. The biggest and sharpest Mick had. It was handed hilt first to Leonard, who took it. His hands didn’t shake and Barry marveled at that.

Barry wanted to look away, but he didn’t. He couldn’t appear weak, any more than Len could, he thought. If this was going to be the end of this, finally, they had to let it be the lesson that the Yamaguchi woman wanted it to be. They had to be seen being willing participants in this, so the mob considered the matter closed, and finally left them alone.

“Two fingers, I think.” The woman proclaimed. “Since he threatened two of your people. The pointer and the middle ones, since he dishonored me by his actions. Let this serve as a warning to all that follow me. If anyone acts against my orders again, in this matter or any others, the punishment will be far worse.”

She looked around at the other mobsters gathered in the room, making sure the message hit home. One of the ones holding Adachi forced the fingers away from the others so the cut could be clean. The man was still begging for mercy.

“Mr. Snart, if you would please…” Yamaguchi gestured to Adachi’s hand.

Leonard raised the knife, then lowered it in one quick strong motion. He didn’t hesitate. The two fingers were cut cleanly off. Adachi screamed and screamed. Blood spurted over Len’s hands and Len’s desk. Barry felt sick, but he swallowed it down and kept his face as expressionless as he could. Len’s was ice, showing nothing.

“Very good.” The Yamaguchi woman approved.

“Take Adachi to get medical attention. Dispose of the fingers.” She ordered her followers. “Tell Mr. Rory he may come in when he’s ready. But be sure he understands to get the child home first and not expose her to this.”

They left, all of them. Mick didn’t appear, no doubt taking Magenta home as was suggested. Len and Barry were alone in Len’s office, with a blood soaked desk.

For a few moments neither of them moved. They both just stood there, listening to the silence around them. Partly making sure everyone else was really gone. Partly because they were both likely still in shock.

Then Len broke. His hands started shaking and he dropped the bloody knife onto the desk. He fell to his knees, letting out a small whimper. He put his hands on his head, as if unaware he was getting blood in his hair.

Barry was down next to him in a second, wrapping his arms around him. He gripped Len’s bloody hands, trying to help them stop shaking.

“Barry…you…you’re still here?” Len blinked at him as if he wasn’t sure if he was real.

“Course I’m still here, Len. Where else would I be?”

“But I…you…I…and you saw. You _watched_ me…and I…”

“You did exactly what I would have, if she’d told me to do it instead of you.” Barry responded firmly. “I’ve listened when you talked about the Yamaguchi Family, Len. I understand.

“I know if you didn’t do it, you would have appeared weak to all of them. I know she would have seen it as dishonoring her for rejecting her ‘gift’ of letting you be the one to do it. It would have been worse, for all of us, if you didn’t do it.

“That man was a mobster and a bastard. He threatened me and Magenta with a gun to our heads. I’m not going to say he deserved it. But I’m not going to lose any tears crying over his lose, either.

“I’m sorry you had to do it. I’m sorry you’re going to suffer for this and blame yourself. I know you will. But I am going to be right next to you the entire time. I am going to tell you as many times as you let me that I do not blame you. I do not think less of you.

“I love you, Leonard. And do not _dare_ say you don’t deserve me, or that I’m too good for you.”

“I…I love you too, Barry.”

It came out strangled, but Barry knew it was meant genuinely.

They stayed like that, crouched on the floor, just holding each other, for a long time.

This had been a hell of a night. But they’d survived it. And they wouldn’t let it defeat them afterward, either, Barry resolved. They would get through this, together.


	14. Chapter 14

It wasn’t an easy few days following the mob underlings’ break in at the café. But it wasn’t quite as difficult as Barry had expected either.

Barry kept expecting the guilt for that man’s lose of fingers to hit him full force. It never really did. He wished it hadn’t happened, of course. He did feel bad about it. But it was a small amount of guilt, only. He knew the man was more at fault himself for what happened than either Barry or Len were. And he’d proven himself a real bastard by the way he’d treated both Barry and Magenta. So Barry found himself not sparing the man much thought.

It was a bit harder for Leonard. Doing that; dishing out violence as a ‘lesson’, reminded him of his father more than anything. Len feared becoming like his father, possibly more than he feared anything else. That Adachi had so obviously been willing to deal out even worse violence toward Barry and Magenta was what got Len through it.

He hadn’t been willing to endanger them, no matter what it meant he had to do. No matter what it meant he’d look like to Barry. Len had really thought that Barry would run away from him after seeing Len act that way in person.

But Barry knew Len better than that. He knew Len was capable of that, of great coldness and violence. But only when necessary. Only when threatened and cornered. He was nothing like his father. It changed nothing of the good core that Len had inside him. It changed nothing of how Barry felt about him.

Leonard seemed able to accept that, once Barry kept assuring him that it changed nothing between them. It really showed how much he’d come to trust Barry, to rely on him, to have faith in his opinion. Barry treasured that; his ability to help Len as much as Len helped him.

They all needed time to recover from what’d happened that night, certainly. It wasn’t something that could be just shrugged off or forgotten. But it was something they’d all get through together. Being there for each other was the most important thing.

Magenta, surprisingly enough, felt much the same. She refused to quit her job at the café, despite Len urging her to if it’d make her feel safer, and offering her several weeks’ salary in advance if she left. But she wanted to stay, saying the place was like a second home to her, and the people that worked there her family. Len couldn’t bring himself to fire her, even for her own safety.

The real threat seemed to be over, anyway. The mob was more satisfied than ever of Len and Mick’s innocence. They’d stopped watching the café and staff entirely, and seemed genuine in their promise to leave them all alone.

Still, Len had spent some of the cleaned money on a high tech security system for the café. He then modified it himself. So even if someone was familiar with the system, they’d have trouble breaking into the restaurant now.

The Yamaguchi Family had people inside the police, so the incident was written off as a robbery attempt. That was what Magenta, her parents, and Barry’s mom all believed it to be. Only Barry, Len, and Mick knew the truth. Magenta may have suspected there was more to it than that, with what she’d seen and overheard. But she didn’t say anything about it. It was likely easier for her to believe the simplest explanation.

Len had indeed sent an emergency text to Mick that night, after Magenta had run to get him. Mick had in turn gotten word to the mob leadership about what their underlings were doing. Len had had that exact contingency planned before and they’d both known what to do without long explanations. Barry was thankful the two of them understood each other so well.

Mick, for his part, felt guilty about it. He kept saying he’d wished he’d been there when the mobsters broke in. He wished he could have been the one to use that knife, so Len hadn’t had to.

But both Len and Barry kept assuring him that wasn’t the case. That night could have gone a lot worse, in the end, if Mick had still been at the café at the time. With all them trapped there, they might have not been able to get word to the Yamaguchi leadership until it was too late.

But they had, and they’d all gotten through it safely. That was the most important thing.

\-------------------------------------------

One side effect of the break in at the café was Barry spending more time at Len’s. They were both prone to nightmares about that night. Their dreams showed them, more often than not, far worse outcomes than what had really happened. Being near each other when they woke up was the best way to reassure themselves afterward.

Of course, Barry just liked being near Len regardless. He liked sleeping next to him, whether sex had been involved or not. Though truthfully, sex was involved quite often, Barry thought with a bit of a smirk. Why shouldn’t it be? They both thoroughly enjoyed it together. Even when it wasn’t though, Len was actually quite a cuddler. Barry loved that about him.

It might have seemed surprising, considering how cold and stand-offish Len seemed at first. Len didn’t often initiate touch with others, Barry had noticed. But Barry himself, Len had always hugged freely and warmly; as if he instinctually knew that Barry needed it and he wanted to be the one to supply it. Barry couldn’t be more thankful of that.

A few days after the break in, Len had cleaned out space for Barry to keep clothes and other personal items at Len’s apartment. It wasn’t a real move in. Barry still went home most days while Len went to work at the cafe. Barry wasn’t willing to leave his mother all alone in their big house all the time. He still helped her with her baking business. But most nights he spent at Len’s apartment.

His mother encouraged the arrangement. Barry knew she was happy to see how well he was getting on with Len. She was healing in her own way, too. Especially now that she seemed to worry about him less. She spent more time with friends, or even went out on her own, in the evenings while Barry was with Len.

Despite how much time he spent at Len’s apartment, Barry had yet to meet any of Len’s neighbors. So he was rather surprised when one knocked on their door right after breakfast one morning.

“Leonard dear, it’s Estelle!”

Barry raised his eyebrows in question, as Len got up to answer the door.

“My neighbor from down the hall.” He answered.

A small elderly woman was standing just outside the door when Len opened it.

“Hello, dear. Sorry to bother you so early.” She smiled in the kind way of grandmotherly types. “My electricity’s gone out again. I was wondering if it wouldn’t be too much trouble for you to go down and check the circuit box again?”

“Not a problem at all.” Len responded, adding, “Barry this is Estelle. Estelle this is my boyfriend, Barry.”

Estelle’s expression gave the usual flicker of surprise at seeing Barry’s scarred face, but she recovered quickly and smiled at him warmly. They both nodded at each other in greeting.

“The wiring in this building is old and sometimes switches off when too much power is used. It’ll just take me a minute to go flip it back on.” Len explained.

“I’d go do it myself, but my knees aren’t what they used to be. Its hell on them to go down all those steps, then come right back up them after.” Estelle added.

Barry nodded in understanding as Len started down the steps.

Barry was about to ask if he should go too, when Snowball shot out the doorway. Barry rushed forward to grab her and hold her. She squirmed in his arms for a moment, but then allowed herself to be held.

“Hey, you know you’re not allowed out! You’re a house cat, Snowball!” Barry admonished her as she yowled in disapproval.

Estelle chuckled, smiling.

Barry lamented that he’d have to use the lint roller again before heading out that day. White cat hair did not look good on black clothes.

“Good to see you taking care of her, too.” Estelle commented. “Last man that Leonard dated, he let her run right out a few times. Didn’t even try and stop her. Said it wasn’t _his_ responsibility.”

“That’s horrible.” Barry winced.

He’d known Len had dated some…well, assholes, honestly. But it was still surprising to Barry to hear new evidence of that. Barry privately suspected it might have been subconscious on Len’s part. Len had picked people that treated him badly because deep down he’d thought he didn’t deserve any better. Barry, and their group therapy, were working to change that.

“Well, Len’s got me now.” Barry said resolutely. “That means his cat is not escaping, and anything else I can do to help him.”

“Good for you, dear.” Estelle approved. “I wasn’t sure about Leonard when he first moved in here. He had a look about him that I’ve seen on too many men his age; far too cold to be real. Meant he was hiding something.

“But then I met Snowball, and I thought again. I thought; any grown man that chooses to own a fluffy white cat named Snowball, and clearly cares about her, can’t be all bad.”

Barry smiled fondly; glad to hear someone else had seen at least a glimpse of Len’s softer side.

“Of course,” Estelle continued, “then my granddaughter visited me. She’s around your age. She started talking to his sister, Lisa, and I overheard what ‘snowball’ is jargon for among the young people these days.

“Doesn’t make Leonard any less of a good person, mind you. Just one with a bit of a naughty sense of humor.”

“Wait, what?” Barry blinked, confused.

Estelle looked at him a moment, as if trying to decide if Barry really didn’t know or was playing dumb. He absolutely did not know.

“It’s slang for something, dear.” She finally explained. “For something sexual. You can google it, as people your age do.”

Thankfully Barry only had to stand there with his mouth hanging open in surprise for a few moments. Then Estelle saw her lights come back on from the open doorway to her apartment a few doors down.

“I’m sure I’ll see you around, dear.” She waved as she left. “Do tell Leonard thank you, from me.”

Barry would, he promised. Right after he asked his boyfriend just what he’d named his cat after….and Len stopped laughing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To save you the trouble of googling, if you’re curious: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snowballing_(sexual_practice)


	15. Chapter 15

Barry walked into Len’s office at the café, trying to keep his expression blank. He shouldn’t have bothered. Len knew him too well.

“What’s wrong?” Len was on his feet and next to Barry in less than a second.

“It’s…it’s not a big deal. Just some people gaping at me.” Barry accepted Len’s hug, regardless.

“Do I need to kick someone out of the restaurant? You know I will. Mick would enjoy literally throwing them to the curb.”

“No, no, it wasn’t that bad!” Barry hurried to assure him.

It was the truth. It wasn’t that bad. Barry was getting used to dealing with the reactions his face caused. It still hurt, every time. But the hurt was less than it used to be. A lot less. He was more annoyed and frustrated than anything else, at the moment.

“It’s just…I was trying to _help_ them, and all they did was stare at me with their mouths hanging open.” Barry grumbled.

“You don’t need to help out there. I’ve told you this before. I love having you hang out here; having you nearby. But you don’t need to be dealing with the customers if you don’t want to. But if you do, we can absolutely throw out anyone that gives you a hard time.

“The café is doing better. We’ve gotten a solid reputation for our food quality. We’re getting enough business that we don’t have to put up with rude customers. I have absolutely no problem banning anyone that bothers you.”

“That’s not what I meant. I wasn’t…”

Barry’s explanation was cut off by a loud crash from the kitchen.

Leonard had a gun out within seconds, drawing it from where it was strapped under his desk. Barry swallowed hard, his stomach twisting in worry.

“Stay here.” Len ordered.

Barry nodded, not arguing. They’d gone over this. They had a plan in case anything happened again. They had many plans, in fact, to fit many possible scenarios. Barry had hoped they’d never have to use any of them. But at least he knew what to do.

Barry locked the office door behind Len, and then hurried to access the security footage feed on Len’s computer. He input the password that brought up options for both video and audio from all the rooms in the restaurant. He quickly clicked on the one for the kitchen.

Mick had someone trapped, from what Barry could tell. The camera’s angle was such that Barry saw Mick’s back, and that he had someone pushed by against an oven. He was holding them by their shoulder and hair, it looked like, dangerously close to the open flame of a lit burner on the stove.

Barry couldn’t make out what the person’s face looked like, but they were considerably smaller than Mick. They were also rambling incoherently in a frightened voice. They seemed to be no match for Mick. But that didn’t mean it wasn’t a trick, or a trap of some sort.

Barry scanned the rest of the kitchen, but didn’t see anyone else, until Len came into frame.

“Mick, what happened?” Len’s cold voice came through the audio from the kitchen.

“Guy burst in here running. Not making any sense.” Mick rumbled.

Len had the gun pointed in the direction of the stranger, whose panicked voice only rose in pitch at the sight of the weapon.

“Whoa, whoa, there’s no need for that!! I’m trying to tell you, I’m not looking for any trouble! I’m not here to steal your sandwich recipe, or whatever! Not that it isn’t worth stealing, because they are delicious! But that’s totally not why I’m here!

“I just…a guy came back here, ok? I followed him. I need to talk to him! He works here, I guess? His face is like…”

The stranger motioned toward his own face, waving his arm and fingers in a scraping gesture, clearly indicating where Barry’s scars were. Barry still couldn’t make out the man’s face, Mick in the way, but he saw the hand gesture. Barry winced at how crude a description of him it was.

Leonard seemed to agree. He moved closer, bringing the gun near the guy’s head.

“What do you want with my Barry?!” Len’s snarled.

Mick growled and pushed the man closer to the open flame.

“No, no, nothing bad!! I…ok, that was maybe rude and I’m sorry! I didn’t mean anything by it! It’s just a distinctive feature! No offense! I just want to talk to him! Nothing else! I swear!! There is no need for the gun, or the burning!

“I, I’ll just leave, if you want! Maybe tell him I was looking for him, and that he’s a genius, and I’d offer him a job if I wasn’t currently in fear for my life!”

Then it clicked for Barry, he swore, and rushed to open the office door. He ran out into the kitchen, but stayed behind Len. This was all a misunderstanding, he thought. But he didn’t want to worry Len by taking stupid chances.

Barry was close enough to confirm what he’d thought. He could clearly see the man’s face now. He recognized him. They’d both worked at Star Labs. They hadn’t been friends. They didn’t work closely enough for that; being in completely different departments. But they’d passed each other in the halls often enough. Though Barry didn’t remember his name and he’d apparently not recognized Barry.

“He’s telling the truth.” Barry spoke up. “I gave him a formula earlier. A chemical formula, I mean. He’s been coming to the restaurant and staying to near close the last few days, with his friend. Talking about a project they’re working on. Talking about a part they couldn’t manage to solve. I figured it out and wrote it on a napkin, handed it to them. They just…gaped at me. I figured it was because of my face. So I left and came back here.”

Barry spared the details to try and explain quickly. Len tilted his head, clearly listening. But he didn’t lower the gun or take his eyes off the man.

“Shit man, no! I don’t, we don’t care about your face! I mean, sorry about it? But like, not the point! Not my business! I’m shutting up about it now!” He rambled in response to threatening looks from both Len and Mick.

“The point is that you’re a genius! We’ve been trying to solve that problem for _weeks_! And you just overhear like half our process, figure it out, and solve it _on a napkin_! I’m not going to like, use your formula without compensating you! Or, if you’re interested, making you a part of the project! You ran off without leaving any contact info or anything, so I just followed!

“I didn’t realize going in the kitchen here was like a crime punishable by death! You should maybe put a sign on the door or something warning people! ‘The cook can, and will, kill you for trespassing’; or something like that.”

“You…want to hire me for a job?” Barry blinked, trying to keep up.

“Yes, definitely! But, you know, I’d prefer to not have my brains blown out or get fried by your friends first! So if you could maybe…”

“Cisco! Did you find him? What’s going on?!”

A woman hurried into the kitchen. She’d shared the table with this guy, apparently named Cisco. Barry didn’t know her. He didn’t think she’d worked at Star Labs. But it was possible. Wells had brought in a lot of different people to consult, before they’d turned the particle accelerator on. For all the good that did.

“Doc Snow!?” Mick, to Barry’s surprise, seemed to know the woman.

“Mick! How are you?! It’s been years! Are you the cook here?! I didn’t know you cook! The food is amazing! We can’t stop coming back!” The woman seemed delighted to see Mick.

“Great, wonderful, we’re all friends! Now can you please put me down and put the gun away? Please?” Cisco pleaded.

Mick looked at the woman, then looked at Len. Len eyed everyone, then turned to Barry with his eyebrows raised in question.

“Uhm, yeah, I think everything’s fine. It was just a misunderstanding.” Barry confirmed.

Len nodded, lowering the gun, and Mick let go of Cisco.

“Sorry about that.” Barry felt the need to apologize to Cisco and the doctor. “We had a break in here not too long ago, and we’re all a little jumpy.”

“No harm done, I guess. I only probably lost like five years of my life from being terrified.” Cisco grumbled. “But, uhm, sorry we made you think it was about…anything other than the formula. Really, we were just shocked you’d solved it like it was no big deal.”

“It…wasn’t a big deal?” Barry offered with a shrug. “I mean, I’m a chemical engineer. It’s what I do. And your idea to improve clothing designed to withstand heat by applying chemical compounds to coat the fabric to…”

“As fascinating as this is, to people that understand what you’re talking about…” Len broke into the conversation, “The kitchen really isn’t the best place to discuss it. Mick still has food orders to fill. You’re welcome to use my office.”

To anyone else, that might have sounded like an offer to vacate the office to let them talk. Barry knew it wasn’t. Len wasn’t about to let Barry out of his sight for awhile, after this. Not until he was certain to his own satisfaction that Cisco was trustworthy. Len was also likely to pretend he had no idea how science worked for awhile too. He found being underestimated that way gave him an advantage. Barry found it all endearing.

Cisco wouldn’t likely agree, once he caught on. But for now he was clueless and agreed. Barry felt a bit bad, but not overly. He would make it up to him by helping with this project, which he was really interested in. With any luck, it would open up some doors for him for further work.

“You boys go ahead.” The doctor commented. “I’m only consulting a little on this project. Cisco already knows my input. I’d like to stay and talk to Mick, get caught up. If that won’t be too distracting from your cooking?”

“That’d be fine.” Mick rumbled, “Orders’re almost all done anyway. Closing time soon.”

If Barry didn’t know better, he’d have sworn Mick was blushing at the attention. Barry caught Len smirking in Mick’s direction. He obviously knew what was going on. Barry would have to ask for details later. For now, he was looking forward to letting his brain comfortably focus on chemical compounds and applications.

\------------------------------------------------

As it worked out, Barry and Cisco became fast friends. Cisco was organizing a tech start-up company with several other people that used to work at Star Labs. The protective clothing project was just one of many, a lot of which interested Barry. Cisco was very welcoming of the help. It didn’t pay much, yet. But it had the potential to, over time, if it took off. Barry was fine with that.

Cisco put up with Len being ‘Barry’s very terrifying overprotective boyfriend’ as Cisco put it; until Len was convinced Cisco didn’t have any mob connections or ulterior motives. Once Len was satisfied enough to get more comfortable, he let his knowledge of pop culture and science tech show. Cisco’s flabbergasted expression was more than worth putting up with Len’s charade for.

“He…actually _knew_ what we were talking about the entire time?! Like, not just the science, but all the references and everything?! You sure he’s not like secretly a Cylon, too?”

“That’s what you get for assuming.” Len smirked, “Also, frack you. Being compared to a Cylon is a _compliment_!”

Barry laughed while Cisco gaped. Len and Cisco got along better after that.

At least until Cisco met Lisa. Cisco may have suggested a triple date; Barry and Len, Mick and Caitlin, and Cisco with Lisa.

Len may have suggested he could still shoot Cisco. But Lisa had smoothed it over by being genuinely interested in Cisco. And Len actually respected Cisco, though he wasn’t ready to admit it yet.

Caitlin, as she’d mentioned, was consulting on Cisco’s projects. But only part time, as she had her own work at a medical clinic. She had been one of the doctors to treat Mick’s burns after his last bad accident with fire setting; some years back. She’d been the one to convince him to go to therapy, which he eventually dragged Len along to as well.

In a roundabout way, she was part of the reason that Barry had eventually met Leonard. Barry knew Len was aware of that. He never said a cold word to her and was always the perfect gentleman. Mick and Caitlin were taking things slow, starting out as just friends, but Barry thought there was a good chance for them.

Maybe Barry was just being a romantic. But he liked the idea of all of them having found people to be happy with. Regardless, Barry felt like he had more good friends than maybe ever. Even before the accident. It meant more than he could say.


	16. Chapter 16

Barry glanced at the clock in his room and bit his lip. He was late. He should have left Cisco’s and come home earlier. But they’d finally made a breakthrough on the latest project they were working on. Then Mercury Labs had called and offered to fund one of their other projects, if they shared the results. They might actually be able to afford to rent a real office soon, instead of working out of Cisco’s apartment.

But that was no excuse, Barry chided himself. He had a date with Len that night. Despite how often he was late for…well, everything, Barry had never been late yet for a date with Len. He didn’t want to start tonight, especially considering how hard he’d had to work to convince Len he really wanted to do this.

He was nervous, Barry admitted. He hadn’t been to a professional sporting event since he was a kid and his dad took him to a baseball game. Barry had fallen asleep there. Proving for not the first time that sports were never really his thing.

But Leonard loved watching hockey, and Barry loved how excited Len got watching hockey. Barry’s own opinion on the sport was varied. He liked the speed of the game, the skill and grace of some of the plays. But he couldn’t say he would ever watch it by himself, if Len wasn’t interested.

Barry thought that was good enough. Len wasn’t so sure. He hated pushing Barry into anything he didn’t want to do. But Barry _did_ want to go!

He was just nervous, too. All those people, pumped up for the game. All those people that might be able to tell Barry wasn’t really a sports fan. All those people potentially staring at Barry’s face. The arena always sold out.

Barry had actually gotten the tickets from Cisco. Cisco had gotten them from a client from one of their projects. Lisa wasn’t interested. She claimed she’d seen more than enough hockey in her life already. Now, if they were figure skating tickets; that would be different. Cisco had no interest in going himself, so he gave them to Barry.

Barry could have told Len to take Mick. Mick didn’t care much about hockey, but he appreciated the violence involved. But Barry wanted to go with Len. He wanted to try something new, even if it made him nervous. With Len there, Barry would be safe. There was even a good chance he’d enjoy himself, too.

Now Barry was late and he didn’t want to send the wrong idea to Len about it. Barry wasn’t having second thoughts, not really. He was just a little nervous. He still wanted to do this.

Barry pulled on the hockey jersey that Len had lent him to wear over his t-shirt. It fell halfway to Barry’s knees, but it was supposed to be oversized. Barry couldn’t help stopping and looking at himself in the mirror.

The jersey was white, with blue and gold accents. They were the team colors. _Combines_ and their logo were large on the front center. But it was still mostly white. Barry hadn’t worn a light color since the accident.

Looking at himself now, Barry didn’t like what he saw. His scars stood out bright white, red and angry looking on his face, thanks to the white of the jersey. Barry inhaled deeply and clenched his fists in determination. He wanted to do this!

It wasn’t like he had to wear the jersey. It certainly wasn’t required to wear one to go to the game, or anything. But Len would be wearing one. Barry wanted to feel like they matched, like Barry fit in.

And Barry did like the player whose jersey this was! Maatta was the name printed across the back, and the number 3. He was one of the few that Barry had learned about, because he was a rookie that season too. It made sense, since it was Barry’s first season watching hockey, to take interest in a newbie player too.

Olli Maatta was a d-man, which meant defenseman, despite another meaning that had entered Barry’s head when Len had told him that. Which was, of course, why Len had used that abbreviation of his hockey position when he told Barry.

The jersey Len was planning on wearing was one Barry was familiar with too, #9, Paul Kariya, the Captain of the team.

Thinking about Len, and how much Barry had been happy to learn about hockey in the short time they’d been watching together, calmed Barry down. He wanted to do this, he repeated to himself.

“Barry! Leonard’s here!” Barry’s mom’s voice called up from downstairs.

Barry silently swore at himself in frustration. He had always been waiting by the door for Len, when Len picked him up at home before. Not that Len, or Barry’s mom, would have minded Len coming inside first. But Barry was always so excited to spend time alone with Len, to go on real dates after waiting so long, that he’d always rushed out. Now Len would worry something was wrong for sure!

Barry hurried to run a comb through his hair, glancing at his reflection in the mirror one more time. He still hated how he looked. But there was nothing to be done about it. He grabbed his cell phone and wallet and put them in his jeans pockets. He was as ready as he was going to be.

Barry headed down the stairs, determined to make the most of the night. He was with Len, going to an event that should be fun. He would try and relax and enjoy it.

Then Barry saw Leonard and he froze in his tracks on the middle of the stairs. Len was holding a framed photo and looking at it. One of dozens Barry’s mom had around the house. One of Barry before the accident. One of Barry with his full, evenly balanced, unblemished face.

Leonard had never seen Barry without his scars before, even in a photo. Barry couldn’t move another step.

Now, Len would look away from the photo where Barry’s face was whole, and see Barry as he was now. He would…

“ _There’s_ my Barry!”

Leonard’s voice was warm, his eyes fond and happy, at the sight of Barry. Len set down the photo without a second glance, like it didn’t matter at all. His eyes were only for the real, current Barry in front of him, scars and all. Len moved to him, taking the few steps separating them in a few seconds.

Len kissed Barry’s cheek. The scarred one.

Len hugged Barry as Barry tried to hide how his knees were shaking and he was trying not to cry. He knew Len knew. But Len played along for the benefit of Barry’s mom.

“You both look so cute together!” Barry’s mom commented. “Can I…if you…if it’d be alright with you, I’d like to take a photo of the two of you together?”

Barry swallowed hard and licked his lips nervously. He hadn’t allowed a photo of himself to be taken since the accident, by anyone. He’d never wanted to see himself as he looked now.

Except…except now he did. Here, in Len’s arms, with his mom smiling in approval at both of them. Barry wanted a photo of this. He wanted to look at it and remember this moment. This moment that he’d been so sure, for a second, was going to be a disaster. But now, he saw as a memory he was going to want to cherish.

“Yeah, ok.” Barry answered.

“You’re sure?” Len asked, looking at him closely.

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

Barry was smiling in the photo, as was Len. They wore similar large genuine smiles, in their similar hockey jerseys, standing on the staircase together. Their arms were around each other. It was a good photo, Barry thought, looking at it later. He liked how he looked in it, despite the scars.

It was a good hockey game, too. Barry had fun. He got the usual stares, but no one bothered him past that. Not even when Len kissed him after a goal and they ended up on the big screen over the ice.

Later that night, he was lying naked under the covers with an equally naked Len, both spent and sated. In that moment, Barry didn’t want anything to be different. He wouldn’t have changed a thing, if he could. It was then Barry realized that it was good life he had, too. Scars and all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic has reached the end. I had a lot of fun writing it, and I want to thank everyone that's been reading! Thanks so much especially to everyone that commented and kudos-ed. 
> 
> If you'd like to chat, I'm on tumblr [@slimysuckers](http://slimysuckers.tumblr.com/) and would love more fandom friends :)


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